City of Cleveland Reports Dumpster Shortage While Republican Convention Is In town

CLEVELAND, OHIO — City officials in Cleveland this morning were alarmed to find they are facing a massive dumpster shortage. Early data points to the shortage being directly related to the 2016 Republican National Convention being held in Cleveland.

“The Republican Party is a dumpster fire right now,” Cleveland junior media deputy assistant liaison Sherry Sherwin told reporters at a press conference, “but we just didn’t have any idea how big a dumpster fire it is.”

The GOP’s current condition has forced visiting Republicans, in town for the convention, to spread out into any dumpster or trash receptacle they can find, Sherwin said. She said that normally Cleveland’s fire department tries to keep dumpster fires contained to just one dumpster, but that the “scope and breadth of the Republicans’ insanity” makes that impossible.

“All the dumpsters in the world could not contain the cavalcade of confounding conservative craziness and chicanery that will be put on display in our fine city this week,” Cleveland’s Fire Chief Skip Wilkerson told reporters at the same presser, “so once they filled all 700 dumpsters we brought in especially for the convention and they still had so many dumpsters’ worth of insanity left to put on display, they started going around and snatching up every dumpster they could find.”

Cleveland’s deputy sanitation czar says that residents may have to just pile their trash on the city’s curbs until the GOP leaves town, but he worries that “after a week of hosting Republicans” people will just become accustomed to seeing garbage everywhere they go.

“If people aren’t bothered by the week-long dumpster fire of a Republican convention,” Susan Hawkes of the sanitation department said in a conference call, “then we may never get our streets clean again. We may not be able to tell the difference between an overflowing garbage bag set ablaze and, say, Rush Limbaugh. We could wind-up putting prominent Republicans in the landfills while we leave disgusting garbage on the streets. Pandemonium, if you ask me.”

Cleveland’s city council is meeting later today to discuss asking Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, to have his party purchase the additional dumpster space they need. They say that when they found out Sarah Palin would not be speaking at the convention they were temporarily relieved, but when Scott Baio and Tim Tebow were added to the lineup, they knew the dumpster fire had grown even more dangerously out of control.

“A D-List reality-TV celebrity will be getting a major political party’s presidential nomination,” Sherwin told the press, “and so it only makes sense he’d invite a D-grade NFL quarterback and an F-List celebrity to speak. Hell, as dumb as the American people are these days it might just impress them enough to vote for the bewigged man. But clearly the GOP has jumped the shark, as evidenced by fucking Chachi being one of their keynote speakers, and not, you know, someone who can at least sound smart and who has been elected once or twice.”

This is a developing story.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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