CIA Warns More Fictitious Terror Attacks May Be On The Way

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  The Central Intelligence Agency is warning Americans both domestically and abroad to stay “extra vigilant” and if they see anything remotely fictitiously suspicious, to contact their local law enforcement agencies immediately. This warning comes on the heels of what the CIA calls a “dramatic, precipitous, and tremendous spike in fake terror attacks” this year. Speaking at a press conference, newly confirmed CIA Director Mike Pompeo announced that his agents are “working diligently to keep fake tabs on every made up threat” the White House believes exists and “every terror attack that never happened.”

“The American people have to ask themselves a somber, serious, and sobering question,” Pompeo said, “and that question is how much made-up terrorism they want to put up with. How much fake fear and unnecessary, hyperbolic paranoia is enough.”

Pompeo said that while the CIA and other intelligence communities don’t have any “specific non-information” that would lead them to believe another fake attack is in the works, they just can never be too sure in the Trump era.

“I didn’t think it was possible after the not-tragedy at Bowling Green,” Pompeo told reporters, “to have another non-terror attack so soon, and then Sweden didn’t happen. Clearly fictitious terrorists are getting faux-emboldened by the lack of response to their non-attacks, and they’re getting braver and braver. Who knows, really, how many fake, non-existent attacks will come this year? A million? Two million? Seventeen million? Your guess is as good as ours at this point, really.”

The fictional chatter between on-existent jihadis as “really spiked” since January 20th, Pompeo said.

“It’s crazy,” Director Pompeo said, “on January 19th, all our pretend channels were clear. Then, on January 20th, all of a sudden we’re getting pseudo-flooded with fake intelligence! It’s almost too much to keep up with, the amount of fake chatter we’re seeing from all twelve continents and across all nine oceans.”

Pompeo said that the CIA may not lack evidence of a credible threat now, but that could change at any minute.

“You literally just never know when someone’s going to make up a terror attack that never happened,” Pompeo said, “and the CIA has to be ready to investigate every attack, delusional or not. It’s the price of freedom. Constant vigilance.”

Ultimately, Pompeo says that it’s up to the American people to “defend against fake attacks no matter where they come from. If they value freedom, Pompeo says, they will “remain ever vigilant” and “keep their eyes peeled for fake terror no matter where it might lurk.”

“People in this country have a hard choice to make,” Mr. Pompeo warned, “Do they really want Bowling Green and Sweden to be harbingers of the worst yet to come, or do they want Bowling Green and Sweden to be the line in the sand that we draw and defend and tell non-existent terrorists they can’t cross it?”

Harvey the Giant Rabbit, Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, Jesus Christ, and Trickle Down Economics could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This