CHESTER BAY, ALABAMA — Today, President Donald Trump signed and executive order directing the Department of Justice to carve out rules that protect religious groups that are participating in political activity. Though the First Amendment has widely been held to forbid such things, Trump has seemingly signaled that his administration will curry the favor of the religious right by giving them more political power, something that 52-year-old Southern Baptist pastor Reverend Jed Jenkins says makes his “heart sing.”
“I’m just so proud of my president right now,” Jenkins told his podcast audience this morning, “because we finally have someone willing to defend Christian values. This man deserves a victory lap and pussy grab, no doubt!”
Jenkins is the pastor at the First United Southern Baptist Church of Chester Bay, and he says that for far too long “the federal government has made Christians feel bad about being mean to people we think are sinners.” And he wants to personally thank Trump for reversing that trend he sees. Jenkins says that “casting judgment and scorn on sinners” is the “kind of stuff Jesus wanted us to do.”
“Or, at least it’s the kind of stuff he’d have wanted us to do if he wasn’t acting like such a beta male cuck,” Jenkins said, “and sometimes you have to read between the lines, or like, ignore the New Testament and focus on the Old Testament.”
Reverend Jed told his podcast audience that because the “Lord moves in mysterious ways,” every Christian in America should be thankful that a man who has made lustful comments about his daughter and was caught on tape bragging about sexual assault has “ushered in a new, pro-Christian era” in American politics.
“So he’s grabbed a puss or two,” Jenkins said, “and maybe he wants to bang his daughter. And sure, maybe he hired Russian whores to piss on a bed just because a black guy slept in it too. But isn’t it much more important that we finally get the right to be mean to the gays again? I submit it is.”
Jenkins said that he will definitely vote for Trump again in 2020, provided he’s able to run.
“If I’m able to vote for that man,” Jenkins said, “I will do so in every election possible. I’m so grateful to have that good, clean, upstanding American patriot and sexual predator in the Oval Office, defending my traditional family values. Praise God for Donald Trump, the thrice-divorced, debaucherous, philandering, offspring lusting man of God!”
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