KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a Monday evening press conference, Holy Trinity, Inc.’s Chief Savior Officer Jesus Hubert Christ told reporters that he’d just gotten off the Heavenly Hotline with octogenarian televangelist Pat Robertson and that he’d made it “clear under no uncertain terms” that Robertson was on Christ’s “shit list” for comments he made after Monday morning’s volatile day in the world’s stock markets. On his television show, Robertson intimated that the tumult in the markets was punishment for Planned Parenthood selling the tissue and parts from aborted fetuses for profit. That, says Christ, was “the straw that broke the old moron’s back.”
“I told Pat that he’s on my official shit list as of right now,” Christ told reporters. “For starters, there have already been five states that have conducted investigations into Planned Parenthood after those stupid, clearly doctored videos came out supposedly showing them breaking laws about profiting from products of abortions,” Jesus said. He noted that thus far “not a shred of evidence has been found to back up the claims on the video” and so “Patty’s flat-out lying now, and the worst part is that his lies could cost poor and desperate women vital health care that doesn’t even involve abortions in the first place.”
Mr. Of Nazareth told the heavenly media that he was so upset with Robertson that despite the fact that the drop in the market was something he “had no interest in taking credit for” because he “[has] a lot more important shit to do, like running a few universes” he told the elderly evangelical that he was right about the plummet in stock prices being a punishment from his dad, but he was wrong about the impetus.
“I said to Pat, ‘You know Patty, you’re not wrong, Dad was pissed and so he sent a message today. But you got the wrong message,'” Christ told reporters. “I told him that my dad was actually punishing the so-called Christians in your country who listen to false prophets,” Jesus said, “and the idiot still didn’t catch on. He asked if I meant ‘that commie’ Obama, and I was all, ‘Pffft. No, Patty, not Obama.'” Christ says that after twenty more minutes of Robertson spitting out liberal after liberal’s name — from Hillary Clinton to Saul Alinsky — Jesus finally had to “lay the hammer down.”
“You, Pat. Dad was pissed you,” Christ says he told Robertson after becoming exhausted with the guessing game. “You sit on television every day, an extremely wealthy man, and you champion a political agenda that is literally the opposite of what my teachings were about,” Jesus said he told Robertson next, adding, “You don’t preach love and acceptance, you teach bigotry, hatred and apathy. You don’t teach charity and compassion, you defend greedy people who care more about the almighty dollar than they do about their fellow man. They don’t want to pay a penny more in taxes so people can eat, but they have no problem helping people who already have more money than Dad get even more money. It’s gross. And you’ve become a gross man yourself, because of how far you’ve gotten away from my message,” Jesus said he was starting to feel the same way he did when he “flipped those tables over and gave those money changers the business end of [his] literally righteous indignation.”
“So you know what Dad did? He crashed the markets. He took time out of his busy schedule running literally every single thing in the known and unknown universe, and he laid the hammer down on the stock markets, because he knew the people who’d be hurt the most were the people who could afford to be heavily in the market anyway,” Christ said, adding that his father “didn’t want to have any collateral damage to people’s 401(k)s, but then again he also murdered every single human on the planet because he was a little peeved that day at the sins of man, so yeah.”
Christ said he told Robertson that “he and every other Christian leader who were fronting these horrid policies were the reason stocks plummeted.” He told Robertson that he “hoped his own stock portfolio took a dip” and then he said he gave Robertson a swift, verbal uppercut.
“Stop foretelling of the End of Days every time some group gets more freedom, Pat,” Christ said he told Robertson, while continuing to say, “it’s unbecoming and it’s literally the opposite of what I told you to do. I told you flat-out, if you’ve read your Bible recently, that you shouldn’t be predicting the end of days because you’ll never know when it’s coming. That’s the whole damn point. But I can promise you one thing, letting gay people get married in the eyes of your government, or a retailer choosing to mix up the so-called girl and boy toys is not going to even get my dad off the crapper, much less get him angry enough to wipe out all of humanity. And doctored, obviously B.S. videos don’t cut the mustard either.
So unless you want me to come down there, Pat, and personally kick your old, bigoted ass, just shut up and keep cashing the checks from the poor suckers who keep thinking you have any pull with Pops or me, and enjoy the last few breaths you have on Earth, because I promise you, there is no 700 Club up here, unless you count the 700 angels who want to beat your ass silly, of course.”