Rich Cultist Smacks Rich Comedian Who Made Joke at the Expense of Rich Cultist Wife

HOLLYWOOB, CALIFORNIA — Last night, the 94th Annual Academy Awards and Showbiz Self-Fellatio Mass Marketing Gala took place, and as was to be expected, it was a night of memorable moments, self-aggrandizing speeches full of fake humility, and stunning red carpet fashion looks. Then there was the moment that most of America, and perhaps even the world, will likely remember most about last night’s awards show for years to come.

In a rather shocking turn of events, wealthy comedian Chris Rock was assaulted by wealthy alleged cult dabbler Will Smith. In front a live television audience in the millions, Smith open-hand smacked Rock after the comedian made a joke about Smith’s wife, fellow wealthy cultist Jada Pinkett Smith’s hair. Rock made a reference to Pinkett Smith starring in “GI Jane 2,” an apparent joke about her baldness. Pinkett Smith suffers from alopecia, however it’s unclear whether Rock knew about her condition before making the joke.

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Over the years, Pinkett Smith and her husband have tried to deny rumors they were affiliated with Scientology. However, former Scientologist turned whistle blower Leah Remini has said publicly that she saw Ms. Pinkett Smith at the Scientology Celebrity Center. A now closed school that the Smiths opened in Los Angeles was long-rumored to be affiliated with Scientology, something that Remini also has publicly confirmed.

After Smith hit Rock, the comedian said with obvious shock in his voice he’d just “had the shit slapped out” of him by Smith, who then shouted at him more than once to “keep his wife’s name out of [Rock’s] fucking mouth.” The incident left many initially wondering if it was staged; after all it happened during a live broadcast put on by some of Hollywoob’s finest and best talent. However, it quickly became apparent it was not planned.

Instead of cutting to a commercial, though, Rock was left to stumble through presenting the next award. Online reaction to Smith assaulting Rock was been mixed, which is perhaps not surprising. There was one person’s whose social media take on the incident was noteworthy.

“I’m very torn about what I saw on the Oscars stage last night. On the one hand, insulting someone’s wife is mean,” Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) said in a tweet. “On the other hand, though, did Will Smith not realize that Chris Rock was probably just warming up to run for president and wanted the Fresh Prince’s endorsement?”

Sources say all three people involved in this incident were able to fall asleep just as rich as they were before, without any want or need unmet.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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