Chris Christie in New Hampshire: ‘I Give a Shit Where Kids Shit’

PRISTINE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R) doubled-down on his insistence that society should take an active role in helping transgender children choose which bathroom to void their bladders and bowels in. Christie had made some waves when he told reporters at a campaign stop in New Hampshire that “we should be making life more confusing for our children” by allowing children who are transgender to choose where they use the restroom. “”Men go to men’s rooms,” Gov. Christie said, adding that “women go to women’s rooms and there really shouldn’t be a whole lot of confusion about” the issue after that. At another stop in the state, Christie took his comments one step further.

“Call me overly obsessed with the bathroom habits of completely harmless and innocent children if you’d like,” Christie told supporters at a rally held in front of a bowling alley, “but I give a shit where kids shit. I give more shits than the average person gives about where kids shit. In fact, I’d say that if you’re looking for the candidate who gives the most shits about where kids shit, I’m your shitty candidate.”

Christie is one of a few Republican candidates that have positioned themselves to the right on LGBT issues. Ben Carson said that transgender people make him “uncomfortable,” and evangelical Christian Mike Huckabee made jokes about wishing he could go back to high school so he could claim to be transgender and sneak into the girl’s locker room, despite the fact that many schools stop short of allowing transgender children change in locker rooms with cis-gender kids. But sources close to Christie say he knows he needs to start making loud noises and garnering attention from primary voters if he has any shot of overtaking current front runner Donald J. Trump.

“When you go to the polls next year, I hope that my name will be on the ballot,” Christie told rally attendees in New Hampshire, “and I hope when you see my name, you think of children pooping and peeing. I hope you remember I’m taking the boldest stance in favor of traditional poo and pee place assignment, the way God designed it when he wrote the Bible six thousand years or so ago.”

With just under a year before the general election, and only a matter of weeks until states start holding their primaries, Trump still holds a commanding lead in most polls, but Christie did recently take the lead in polling of New Hampshire Republicans, and has been moving up the rankings in national polls as well.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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