Chick-Fil-A Offers to Move Headquarters to and Build 10,000 New Stores In North Carolina

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Fast food chicken establishment Chick-Fil-A has reportedly contacted the North Carolina Chamber of Commerce and offered to move its corporate headquarters from Atlanta to somewhere in the state, and has proposed the construction of 10,000 new locations there as well.

“We at Chick-Fil-A want to honor the North Carolina government’s decision to bring their state backward a decade or two,” Chick-Fil-A Junior Deputy Assistant Media Liaison Chip Bufferton told reporters this morning, “and we’re mulling several ways to do just that. One of those ways would be to move our corporate HQ there.”

Bufferton said that the idea was bandied about the corporate boardroom last week as Chick-Fil-A executives started discussing the numerous companies that have said that they will either pull out of North Carolina or halt expansion projects in the state in response to Governor Pat McCrory signing HB2 into law. That bill gives wide berth for discriminating against LGBT+ people, especially transgender men and women who use a bathroom not designed for their birth gender.

“Of course, we don’t discriminate against anyone in our locations,” Bufferton said, “and we’ll take anyone’s money from them. But privately, secretly, some of us are bigoted as fuck, as the saying goes.”

Mr. Bufferton said that if they don’t end up moving the corporate headquarters to North Carolina, Chick-Fil-A has several options they are looking into to show support for North Carolina’s decision to “defend traditional places of pooping and peeing.”

“Opening up to 10,000 new stores in the state is one option,” Bufferton said, “and we’re also thinking of having a nationwide ‘Yay North Carolina!’ day where a portion of all our proceeds from every store in the country would go to North Carolina.”

Chick-Fil-A is also considering similar efforts in other states that have adopted laws like that in North Carolina, Bufferton told us.

“We’re even considering splitting our corporate HQ between three or four states that have shown the most bravery in standing up for the truly oppressed people in this country — white, evangelical Christians,” Bufferton said, “and we think there should be more companies defending states’ rights to discriminate. Because that’s what freedom is, really. The freedom to make someone else miserable because you find them icky.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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