Chief Justice John Roberts Wonders When He Can Stop Pretending to Care About Black People

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — When reporters caught up with United States Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts at a D.C. area Denny’s restaurant, he was finishing his Grand Slam breakfast. Between bites of pancake and sausage, he explained to the reporters that while hearing arguments in a case that could effectively end Affirmative Action he made some comments that some found eyebrow raising, but according to Roberts he was just “wondering out lout when we Republicans can stop pretending to care about black people.”

“As a conservative, I love to give lip service to helping everyone by helping no one,” Roberts said as he was sipping down orange juice. “You know,” he continued,  “rugged individualism like when Paul Ryan paid for his college tuition with his dad’s Social Security survivor benefits?” Justice Roberts said that “as a conservative” he “enjoys pretending to care about black people by telling people that programs that are meant to mitigate actual racism are somehow racist in themselves because they’re excluding white people, who far outnumber black people.”

Justice Roberts, bacon bits on his tie, told the media that he doesn’t “see why we’d have to do anything special to make sure a minority race of people who less than 200 years ago were slaves, 100 years ago were essentially slaves, and up until about 50 years ago had no real legal protection are given the opportunity to pull themselves out of poverty, is all I’m saying.” As a white man, Roberts said, he is “the best judge of what it’s like to be a black person in America,” though when pressed for a reason as to why that is, Roberts trailed off after mumbling some things and seemed to focus really intently on his hash browns.

“The fact is that we Republicans have had to try to pretend like we care about black people for a long time,” Roberts said as he was waiting for his second side of sausage, “in order to hold on to the handful of black people who still think we’re Party of Lincoln.” Justice Roberts said though that “maybe Trump’s showing us that we really don’t have to hide our innately racist policies behind flowery prose about the power of individualism and shit.”

“It’s like I asked in court yesterday,” Roberts said as he was paying his bill, “when can we finally put this whole Affirmative Action thing to bed? When can we finally declare racism over in America? I mean, people aren’t lynching blacks, and blacks can sit just about anywhere they want, as long as they’re not unarmed and a cop isn’t in the room anyway. So can’t we just say we’re done caring about black people? I mean, you know, like in a special way, just because they’re such a statistical minority group it’s incredibly easy to subjugate them whether overtly or subtly.”

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