Chauvin’s Attorney: “How Was My Client to Know George Floyd Didn’t Have Lungs In His Feet?”

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — An attorney for accused murderer and former officer Derek Chauvin asked a question of a witness today that, perhaps, nobody had thought to ask before.

Chauvin stands accused in the killing of George Floyd, who was alleged to have attempted to pay for groceries with a counterfeit $20 bill. Mr. Chauvin was one of several officers to respond to the call placed by the store after Floyd allegedly tried to use the phone currency to pay for his purchase. The video of Chauvin kneeling on Floyd’s neck for more than eight minutes as eyewitnesses pleaded with him to let his suspect upset shocked and angered many in the country, and led to days of unrest in Minneapolis.\

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During his cross-examination of a criminology expert, attorney Lionel Hutz asked if it’s standard procedure to give police recruits medical training. Hutz was told that basic CPR is often a part of many police department training programs. Mr. Hutz pounced.

“So you’re telling me that they aren’t forced to go to medical school,” Hutz said. “Tell me, how was my client to know George Floyd didn’t have lungs in his feet? Maybe my client assumed that it was okay to kneel on Floyd’s neck for over eight minutes because he assumed that he had another set of lungs in his feet he could breathe through.”

The prosecution’s witness didn’t seem to know quite how to answer the question.

“My client surely could not be expected to have such a high level of medical knowledge and expertise as to know if every suspect he encounters has lungs in their feet or anywhere else in their body,” Hutz asked, “can he? This seems to be quite a high bar we’re setting for our police officers, if so.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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