He’s Voting For Moore Because He “Keeps Teen Girls Safe From Transgenders In Bathrooms So He Can Fuck Them Later”

HAMSHANK, ALABAMA — When his home state holds a special election to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions in the Senate, Chad Bedford will be voting for Judge Roy Moore. Despite allegations of serial sexual impropriety with teenage girls while he was in his twenties and thirties, Bedford says that Judge Moore is the “logical choice for any thinking Alabaman.”

“The bottom line for me is that Judge Moore will stand up to the liberal agenda,” Bedford told us. “Like, forcing transgenders into bathrooms, where they can prey upon girls. I know that my vote for Moore is a good one because he keeps teen girls safe from transgenders in the bathroom so he can fuck them later, like any good Christian would, if they read their Bibles proper-like, that is.”

Roy Moore has long protested and opposed civil equality for the LGBTQ community. He has stood in the way of marriage equality, and was one of the chief proponents of an anti-transgender bathroom bill in Alabama. As recently as this month, Moore told supporters at a campaign rally that he doesn’t believe transgender people have legal rights because the United States Supreme Court hasn’t deemed them a protected legal class of citizen. Chad says he admires these traits in Moore.

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“I think it really says something about a man that he’s so committed to Biblical morality that he stands proudly against the tide of liberal evils like freedom and equality for all people,” Chad says.

Moore’s past preying on teenage girls doesn’t offend Chad. In fact, he sees it as good motivation for Moore to “protect American Christianity.”

“Protecting his potential harem of underage girls is pretty good motivation, I think,” Bedford says confidently. “All I’m saying is that what Roy Moore does is in the Bible, what transgenders do ain’t. So you know, checkmate, libtards.”

In the end, Chad says he boiled down his feelings to a simple moral equation, and that’s why Moore will get his vote.

“Bottom line is I’d rather have a morally Christian 35 year old man fuck my 14 year old daughter than a man born a woman piss in front of her,” Chad said. “Roy Moore gets that. That’s why he’s my guy.”

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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