CEO of Pet Food Company Endorses Paul Ryan for President

HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT — Randal Fishmeyer, founder and CEO of Happi-Pet dog and cat foods, has officially endorsed Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) for President of the United States of America. Fishmeyer said that he’s “throwing his hat in the ring with Chuck and Davey Koch,” close friends of his, who have convinced him to support Charles Koch’s plan to push for Ryan to get the nomination on the floor of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland later this summer.

“As the CEO of one of the country’s premier, gourmet cat and dog food companies,” Fishmeyer told the media at a press conference outside Happi-Pet’s headquarters in Connecticut, “I would be really dumb not to support the guy whose Social Security and Medicare plans could help put millions of seniors and poor people on a diet that relies substantially on a product like ours to survive.”

Fishmeyer told reporters during the presser that his company was working on several new flavors and snack lines in anticipation of Ryan’s nomination and hopeful General Election victory.

“We’re going to do a whole big quinoa push since humans are really into quinoa these days,” Fishmeyer said, adding that flavors that include trendy human food like kale and coconut milk will also be included. “We want everyone to feel that Happi-Pet is the best place to get Fido OR Gramma the food they want at a price they — and the taxpayers — can afford.”

Mr. Fishmeyer may not agree with all of Ryan’s views, but he’s willing to overlook what he disagrees with for the sake of “sweet, sweet free market profits.”

“Oh sure, Mr. Ryan is a basketcase who genuinely thinks an eight week old zygote should have the same constitutional protections as the woman who’s hosting it in her body, risking her life, and nurturing it, but with Medicare and Social Security privatized, we’ll be making so much money selling our products to humans the sounds of the ringing cash registers will drown out the voices in my head telling me I’ve helped sell the American people down the river for the sake of more money I won’t be be able to spend in my life time.”

A new SuperPAC has been started by Fishmeyer, solely committed to getting Ryan nominated at the convention. MisanthropePAC will have an initial budget of roughly $230 million, but Fishmeyer said he will spare no cost because “that third vacation home in the Caymans is not going to happen unless a lot more people are surviving off our product.” Speaker Ryan, in Fishmeyer’s estimation, gives him the best chance for that kind of future for his company.

“Paul Ryan is the exact kind of president my company needs,” Fishmeyer said, “even if he’s the exact kind of president the country doesn’t need.”

Up to this point, Mr. Ryan has denied any desire to run. He was one half of the disastrous Republican ticket in 2012 that saw Mitt Romney lose in a landslide to President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya).

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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