CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Politicians Can Safely Rim Wannabe Autocrats Again

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Many Americans are wondering when life can return to some version of normal after they’re fully vaccinated against COVID-19. Despite what it might seem like, politicians are largely human in nature, and they too have been clamoring for things to get back to where they were before the start of the pandemic, over a year ago.

Today, the Centers for Disease Control gave elected officials some highly-anticipated good news.

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“Today, we are able to announce that if they are at least two weeks out from being fully vaccinated against COVID019,” CDC Junior Director Karen Burnett told reporters today, “politicians can safely give a rim job to wannabe autocrats.”

When the outbreak began in late 2019, the CDC strongly cautioned politicians to stop “kissing up to or licking the butthole of” anybody else, but particularly of wannabe fascist dictators. At the time, the argument was that people who want to be autocrats probably had bad hygiene, as they wouldn’t feel like normal rules of personal cleanliness applied to them. That decision was lambasted by Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) as the time.

“How dare the CDC try to tell good, clean, ammo hoarding Christian American patriot politicians what we can or can’t do,” Cruz demanded during an appearance on Newsmax TV. “I will continue to suck up to and suck off any tiny handed dictator I want to, and nobody can stop me.”

Cruz would later test positive for COVID-19, as did a certain former president who desperately wanted to be a dictator. Some elected officials expressed relief about the CDC’s announcement. Congressman Devin Nunes (Q-CA) indicated that while there’s a “certain sense of relief” he feels about this development, it “doesn’t change much” about how he’ll live his life.

“As good as it feels to know that the COVID-19, or Democrat Chinese Hoax, vaccine keeps us safe in so many ways,” Nunes told OAN today, “some of us never stopped tongue-kissing autocratic bunghole, so I’m not sure what they want us to do with this new information. But thanks, I guess.”

Cruz: “The Only Thing I Need Covering My Face Left Washington on January 20th”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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