CDC Says It’s Now Safe to Remove Your Mask In Order Tell Ted Cruz to Fuck Himself

Published on

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control has issued the following update to their masking guidance. In the interest of public safety, The Political Garbage Chute has elected to re-print the CDC’s memo in full, verbatim, below.

Since the beginning of the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control have worked tirelessly to keep the American people abreast as to which steps they can take to decrease their risk of exposure as best they can. Even when our advice ran contrary to what such noted medical experts as Tucker Carlson, Dan Bongino, and Joe Rogan were publishing at the time, the CDC has attempted to help Americans avoid an infection that could cost them their lives.

With each guidance we released in order to help reduce the spread of the virus, we did so hoping that one day we could see a reduction in restrictions, not an increase. We are pleased to announce that day has finally come. While we cannot recommend that the American people begin removing their masks in every situation, there is one very specific instance in which we can confirm, according to the data we have available, that it’s completely safe to remove your mask.

It is with great excitement that we announce any American who is within earshot of Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) can safely remove their mask in order to shout one of the following things at him:

  • “Go fuck yourself!”
  • “Rack up any frequent flyer miles to Cancun lately, fucko?”
  • “Hey Ted! Your wife is ugly! Now lick MY balls for four years straight!”
  • “Fuckface says what?”
  • “Gotten any shitty haircuts after you fomented an insurrection lately, Cunty Larue?”
  • “Knock knock. Who’s there. Eat shit and die.”
  • “Eaten any tasty boogers lately, Shitdick?”

There could be additional terms and phrases appended to this list. Please refer back to it often, to stay completely up to date.

MORE: National Archives: Trump May Have Illegally Taken Presidential Happy Meal Toys

Latest articles

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can't...

I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

"...imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring...

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

"...it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans...

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...