WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump stepped out onto the White House lawn after finishing a rambling, barely coherent call-in appearance on Fox & Friends this morning, the day after the House Intelligence Committee wrapped up its public impeachment hearings. Trump used the opportunity to reiterate one of his newest lines of defense against accusations that he used the power of his office to try to coerce the Ukrainian government into performing politically motivated investigations into former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter.
“I JUST WANTED TO COME OUT HERE AND VERY CALMLY SCREAM AT YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND HOPEFULLY YOU ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE WILL WRITE DOWN MY WORDS ACCURATELY,” Trump began. “AS EVERYONE KNOWS, I NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL DO ANYTHING WRONG. MY CALL WITH PRESIDENT UKRAINE OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS WAS PERFECT. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO REMIND YOU OF WHAT GORDON SONDLAND SAID DURING THE IMPEACHMENT HEARING THAT’S A SHAM EVEN THOUGH THE CONSTITUTION LITERALLY SAYS IT’S NOT.”
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Trump’s shouting forced a fart out of him that somehow was louder than the words bellowing out of his mouth.
“I WANT NOTHING! I TOLD HIM THAT! AS SOON AS I HEARD I WAS CAUGHT BY THE WHISTLEBLOWER, I WANTED NOTHING,” Trump yelled. “YOU GOT THAT? THE WHISTLEBLOWER CAUGHT ME, AND THE NEXT THING I DID WAS TELL SONDLAND I WANTED NOTHING!”
As is his style, Trump’s very next statement seemed to completely contradict what he’d just said.
“BUT REMEMBER, FOLKS, I HAVE AN ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO WANT STUFF, AS PRESIDENT! SO I DID ASK FOR A FAVOR. AND THAT FAVOR WAS AN INVESTIGATION,” Trump screamed again. “I JUST WANTED INVESTIGATIONS AND DIRT ON MY POLITICAL RIVALS! THAT’S IT THOUGH!”
The president farted again. Aides say that when he’s either thinking very hard, or screaming very loudly, he loses control of his sphincter, which they say has been put in a weakened state by how often Russian President Vladimir Putin has shoved his hand up inside Trump in order to control the words coming out of his mouth. Doctors call this condition a “Chronically Puppeted Prolapsed Anus.”
“THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN VERY UNFAIR TO ME. I BELIEVE THE CONSTITUTION IS UNFAIR TO PRESIDENTS WHO JUST WANT TO DO WHATEVER THE WANT, WHENEVER THEY WANT, AND I HEREBY ORDER THE CONSTITUTION TO BE IGNORED,” Trump yelled. “JUST IGNORE IT. YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A CONSTITUTION WITH ME IN THE WHITE HOUSE! AND AGAIN, I WANTED NOTHING! NOTHING! AS SOON AS THE WHOLE WORLD FOUND OUT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO, I WANTED NOTHING!”
Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Rectum) called the president’s defense “flawless.”
“That makes complete and total sense to me,” Nunes said, pulling what looked like a chewed up mushroom out of his mouth, an orange stain on his lips, tongue, and hands. “That’s a flawless legal theory, if you ask me. As soon as he was caught, he didn’t want anything. This is a very good defense, if you ask me. Huzzah, Dear President!”
Congressman Gym Jordan (R-Trump’s Cornhole) concurred with Nunes.
“Oh, I concur with Rep. Nunes,” Jordan told reporters. “Frankly this is a very normal line of defense. If we catch someone about to murder another person, we let them go, right? If someone is caught breaking into your home, all they have to do is yell, ‘I wanted nothing from your house!’ and we let them go. Don’t we? No, really, I’m asking you guys. You’ve seen me and heard me talk, I’m really dumb. Do we let people go if we catch them in the middle of an illegal act?”
With the Intelligence Committee hearings concluded, the next phase of the impeachment proceedings will move the Judiciary Committee. Should articles of impeachment be drafted in that committee, they will be sent to a full House vote, where it’s expected they would pass. This would make Trump just the third president ever to be formally impeached. Former President Richard M. Nixon resigned before his articles of impeachment faced a House vote. Presidents Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton were both formally impeached, but acquitted in the Senate.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.