Catholic Republican Looking Into Impeaching Pope Francis

WET STONE, NORTH CAROLINA — Gilbert O’Toole, 56 years old, told us recently that he has belonged to organizations as long as he can remember — the Republican Party and the Catholic Church. O’Toole says that for years and years he has enjoyed being in both groups because each seemed to share his “rock-ribbed belief” that “gay people were lesser and that women shouldn’t have control of their own bodies because ‘Jesus’ and stuff.” But lately, he says that Pope Francis has angered him so much with his “clearly libtarded views” that he’s looking into how to impeach a pope, and he’s willing to “take it all the way to the Pearly Gates” if he has to.

What O’Toole says was “the final liberal sinner straw” was when Pope Francis’s paper on families came out and it said that Catholics should be more tolerant of divorced people and homosexuals. O’Toole said that the paper “flies in the face of traditional American and Catholic bigotry” and that he’s “not ready” for changing that dynamic. But Mr. O’Toole says he’s convinced that the pope isn’t just getting his marching orders from God, but from President Obama himself, and perhaps even Hillary Clinton.

“I’m just saying that for decades we had traditional, conservative popes,” O’Toole said, “and then Obama comes into office and bam! Instantly after years, we get Commie McPopeface? I call shenanigans on that.”

Gilbert plans on enlisting “every elected official” from his local city council members to his state legislators to Congress if he has to. He’s already sent an email to Congressman Trey Gowdy to ask if he can investigate whether Benghazi is related to Pope Francis’ ascent to the papal throne, and he was surprised to get a hand-written, perfume sprayed letter from Gowdy.

“It said that he was very much so interested in my theory,” O’Toole told us, “and that he was going to personally contact the Vatican and get to the bottom of just what Pope Francis knows about Benghazi.” But Mr. O’Toole said he won’t stop with congressional hearings.

Though he has been told by numerous Catholic scholars and priests he has spoken to already that a pope cannot be impeached, Mr. O’Toole says he has “an ace up [his] sleeve.”

“I’m a white, middle-class, heterosexual, American male,” O’Toole said with a grin, “I generally get what I want when I want it because I want it. I’ll get this too. It’ll happen.”

Pope Francis was named the new pope in March of 2013. He has since made international headlines for condemning rampant capitalism and for expressing more liberal views on a host of social and economic issues.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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