The Bible Belt

South Carolina Lets Death Row Inmates Choose Execution by Spending Five Minutes With Ted Cruz

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA -- In the Palmetto State, it's become quite difficult for authorities to execute inmates on death row. Anti-capital punishment advocates successfully lobbied pharmaceutical companies who sell the drugs necessary for a lethal injection style execution to...

Texas: Shooting Self in Dick Surpasses Covid-19 Deaths for First Time Since 2019

AUSTIN, TEXAS -- Republicans in the Lonestar State are crowing quite loudly this morning over a report on deaths from COVID-19. According to new data, Texas hit a milestone it hasn't been able to achieve since the beginning of...

Jesus Gives Permission to MAGA to Worship Trump Instead

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., told reporters today that he and his father have decided to give members of the MAGA movement what he called "special consideration" and permission to...

Roy Moore and Matt Gaetz Announce 2024 Run as President and VP

"You know us; we like to get in there as early as possible."

To ‘Secure Elections,’ Mississippi Republicans Want to Outlaw the 13th and 14th Amendments

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI -- Two states to the east, in Georgia, Republicans have passed a sweeping spate of voter restrictions, all in attempt to reverse the trends seen in the 2020 election season, and now their Mississippian counterparts want to...

GA Republicans Propose Segregated Voting Booths

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Republicans in the State of Georgia are not quite yet done tinkering with the Peach State's voting laws. A new law working its way through the legislature in the state would create newly segregated voting booths,...

Evangelicals for Trump Releases List of “10 Best Pussy Grabbin’ Moments From The Bible”

It's no big secret that one key to the political success of Donald Trump has been his ability to count on the support of evangelical Christian conservatives come election time. Some might raise an eyebrow at a man who...

Trump Issues Executive Order for Bible Publishers to Delete Commandment Forbidding False Idols

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This week, during an impromptu press conference and rant session, President Donald Trump referred to himself as "the Chosen One." Trump was speaking in reference to his ongoing trade war with China, which many economists have...

Toothless Kentucky Man Would Never Live in Baltimore

CONFEDERATE FALLS, KENTUCKY -- Sebastian Wilmington is a 36 year old lifetime resident of his small Kentucky town. Wilmington is missing most of his teeth due to a meth addiction he found himself with after running out of ways...

Conservative Christian: Rape Pregnancies Are ‘Just God Putting One In You’

CHARLESTON, W. VIRGINIA -- In 2015, West Virginia Delegate Brian Kurcaba (R) made some eyebrows climb in the national media when he said that while "rape is awful" there is a potential upside to it. "What is beautiful is the child that could...
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I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that I'd even be thinking about...
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