Satirical Facts

Man’s Dick Suing Him For Power of Attorney

VALLE CHORIZO, CALIFORNIA -- A landmark case is working itself through the California court system, and depending on its result, could have deep, penetrating repercussions for generations to come. Two weeks ago, in the Chingadero County Courthouse, a petition was...

Man’s Problems Briefly Disappear When Playing Minecraft for 4 Hours and Eating Six Peanut Butter Cups

GOOSE COUNTY, IOWA -- Jack Borzini is a 40 year old man who says he has a lot of problems in his life. He has a bad back, a bad knee, hasn't had sexual contact with a woman in...

Jesus Christ Announces He’s Returned to Try Another Sandwich

BUFFALO, NEW YORK --  The Bible foretells that when the End Times are upon us, that God's only begotten son, Jesus Hubert Christ, will return from the Kingdom of Heaven and lead the armies of God to victory against...

Tennessee Democrats Considering a 48-Hour Waiting Period for Erections

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE -- In 2015, conservatives in Deep Red Tennesee seriously considered making the Christian Holy Bible the official state book -- eschewing the more traditional stance that states have taken to respect and not flout the First Amendment's...

5 Reasons You Should Not Vote for Bernie Sanders

Should you vote for Bernie Sanders? We have no clue. Seriously. We don't. It's up to you. We're not one of these people who thinks we have a right to tell you not to lobby for your candidate during the primary....

Trump Campaign Buys Hundreds of Thousands of Tiki Torches in Anticipation of Rally Crowd Sizes

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump's re-election campaign issued a financial report today containing details of a large wholesale purchase of over half a million tiki torches. Campaign Manager Brad Parscale took the president's rectal tissues away from his...

President’s Rape Accuser Subpoenas McDonald’s for Trump’s DNA

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Advice columnist E. Jean Carroll is currently locked in a legal dispute with the President of the United States of America. Ms. Carroll has accused Donald Trump of defamation of character, and more seriously, of raping...

Ted Cruz: “The Democrats Just Learned You Can’t Impeach a Monarch in a Coronation Year”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It was never any big secret on the Hill. President Donald John Trump, the third impeached president in American history, was never going to be convicted; not with the current generation of elected Republicans controlling the...

Things You Can Do With Diarrhea That Are Like Watching Trump’s State of the Union

President Donald Trump will deliver what could be his final State of the Union address tonight. On the eve of what will be his acquittal in the Senate on two articles of impeachment, he is likely to be more...

Trump Whistleblower Hires Rand Paul’s Neighbor as Bodyguard

Today, Senator Rand Paul (R-Putin's Payroll) had a question for the House impeachment managers thrown out by Chief Justice John Roberts. The question was tossed out, reportedly, because it attempted to name the so-called "whistleblower" who brought the first...
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Trump Confident All His Kids He Wants to Fuck Will Visit Him in Prison

"For starters, we'll probably end up in the same prison system, so it's not like she'll be able to...
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