Pew Pew!

Rittenhouse Judge Asks Jury to End Deliberations So He and Kyle Can Attend Proud Boy Meeting

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- Judge Bruce Schroeder and accused vigilante double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse have a Proud Boy meeting to attend tonight, and so the jury needs to "wrap it up quick-like," Schroeder told them today. Jurors have been deliberating since yesterday...

Rittenhouse Judge Instructs Jurors to Plug Ears, Shout ‘La La La’ During Prosecution’s Closing

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- As prosecutors in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial present their closing arguments, jurors will not be permitted to listen to them. Judge Bruce Schroeder instructed the jurors that they are to put their fingers in their ears...

Trump Announces Next MAGA Rally Will Be Held in Rittenhouse Courtroom

FARTS-A-LAGO, FLORIDA -- Former, one term, twice-forever-impeached President Donald Trump announced plans to hold another MAGA rally, and the venue might not be all that surprising to anyone. "I hereby decree as your once King and Ruler, that I shall...

We Asked Doctors and EMTs to Explain How Rittenhouse Could Render First Aid With His AR-15

A key component of accused double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse's defense has been painting the teenaged male as someone whose overwhelming worry about the riots taking place in Kenosha, Wisconsin, drove him to go there looking to help, primarily by rendering...

Judge: Prosecutors Can Only Call Rittenhouse a ‘Sweet White Boy Who Went Pew-Pew on Accident’

The judge presiding over the trial of accused murderous white nationalist vigilante Kyle Rittenhouse stunned prosecutors and millions of people on social media yesterday. During a hearing, the judge asserted that the people Rittenhouse killed during a riot last year...

Texas Woman Files Paperwork to Reclassify Her Genitals as a Firearm

LIBTERTAD de CUERPA, TEXAS -- Next week, a court in Texas will hear opening arguments in a case that could have wide-ranging impacts in the Lone Star State. If 26 year old Kimberly Miller's petition is granted by the...

Boebert: “Americans Don’t Need Vaccines Because The Second Amendment Already Protects Them”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) told a group of pro-MAGA political donors at a prayer breakfast this morning that she thinks getting a COVID-19 vaccine is a "personal choice" and that efforts put in by the Biden...

Boebert Grateful the ‘Gun Amendment is Second,’ Because If It Were Higher She Couldn’t Find It

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) told a group of gun manufacturer lobbyists this week that she "loves guns" and that while she's in office she will "do everything and anything" to help the NRA and similar...

Gov. Signs Law Forcing FBI to Give Every Missourian a Semiautomatic Rifle

JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI -- Governor Mike Parson (Q) just signed a bill into law that requires the Federal Bureau of Investigations to offer a free semiautomatic rifle to every resident of the Show Me State. The FBI has been...

Texas: Shooting Self in Dick Surpasses Covid-19 Deaths for First Time Since 2019

AUSTIN, TEXAS -- Republicans in the Lonestar State are crowing quite loudly this morning over a report on deaths from COVID-19. According to new data, Texas hit a milestone it hasn't been able to achieve since the beginning of...
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How didĀ thisĀ end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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