QUAYLE COUNTY, IOWA — Dr. Ben Carson is currently either leading or just behind billionaire Donald Trump in most polls regarding the 2016 Republican presidential primary. Sources close to Carson are telling the media that the neurosurgeon has taken on “a bit more of a bounce to his step,” as one anonymous aide put it, since he began to overtake Trump in the polls. That renewed confidence, say staffers, is what emboldened Carson to declare that he will be the country’s “first openly stupid” president.
“I’m not afraid to tell you what I think,” Carson told attendees of a rally in Iowa this week, “even if what I say is completely stupid to the point that it can be fact-checked without even opening an encyclopedia or Googling a dang thing.” Dr. Carson said that when he mentioned things in the past like the fact that the pyramids in Egypt were built to house grain and not to hold the tombs of Egyptian royalty as historians have said for decades that he was “testing the waters to see just how dumb” he could be without “making even Republican voters think” he was “too stupid to be president.”
Carson told his audience that while Barack Obama will “go down in history” as the first African-American to be president, he would like to be historically relevant as well, and not just as the second African-American president. “I may not be the first black president,” Carson told the crowd,”but I’ll be the first openly stupid one if you elect me next October.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Dr. Carson said, “I am not the first stupid man to run for the office, and if I won I would certainly not be the only stupid man to do so.” Dr. Carson then told the audience that he’d “follow in the footsteps of intellectual Lilliputians like George W. Bush” and “lead this nation to a prosperous era of conservatism where the government is so small it can fit in your pee hole and butthole, and the only welfare you can get is if you’re a corporation.”
“Yes, George W. Bush was stupid,” Carson said, “and his Iraq War is all the proof you need of it. But he had to act smart and then let his natural stupidity slowly leak out. I will be stupid from day one, and I will not stop being stupid until my first two and a half year term is over.” Carson said he’d “out-stupid Bush in every single way.”
“It’s one thing to drag us into pointless wars that only destabilize regions and foster more animus against our own country,” Carson said, “but even smart people can do it. Look at Obama and Syria. But it takes a real stupid moron to start a war with North Dakota. And guess what? I’m gonna bomb the shit out of North Dakota when I’m president and we’ll kick that Kim-Jong Un right out town, or my name isn’t Bean Coreson!”
Carson then spent the next thirty minutes listing 237 different things he will compare to slavery when he is president. “Barbecue flavored potato chips, graphic novels, bumper stickers that don’t claim you brake for some funny group or another, Taco Bell, punk rock music, and video games are all like slavery in some way,” Carson said as the rally was ending, “and I will let you all see how once you make me your next Presidenter in Chef. God Blitz America!”