Carly Fiorina Seen Entering Planned Parenthood Seeking ‘Campaign Abortion’

HASTINGS, SOUTH CAROLINA — Carly Fiorina, the former Hewlett Packard CEO that made waves in the Republican primary by latching onto a series of “sting” videos against Planned Parenthood was spotted the morning after losing badly in the New Hampshire primary election entering one of the low-cost health clinics, and as she went inside, she told a reporter, “It’s time to abort this abortion of a campaign.”

Fiorina had enjoyed some modest success in the polls last year when she boldly proclaimed to have seen a scene in one of the sting videos that was harrowing in its description, but could not ever be found by any independent fact-checking organization. The videos, produced by the Center for Medical Progress, a devout anti-abortion group, began to garner massive national attention, but in every state-run inquiry into the allegations of selling aborted fetal tissue and organs for profit, the only indictments have come against the producers of the videos, though congressional Republicans in Washington have already vowed their own investigation.

“What a sad day it is for this country,” Fiorina said after she exited the Planned Parenthood clinic in South Carolina, “when you can’t even depend on your lies about dead baby parts for profits to propel you to the Oval Office. I wonder, had I lied about something else, would more of you have supported me? What if I lied about deflated footballs, or weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? I’m just asking for next time.”

Fiorina said to reporters that she chose Planned Parenthood to perform her campaign abortion because she was low on campaign funds and “everyone knows as a woman when you don’t have a lot of money and you need a vital service performed for your health, you go to Planned Parenthood.” She would later tell reporters she also had “no idea” what irony means. Fiorina said that the campaign abortion is not legally binding, and that the Federal Election Committee would still have to get a formal letter announcing the termination of her campaign.

“Some may be upset with me that I got this campaign abortion without asking them first,” Fiorina said, “but it’s my campaign, my choice.”

Fiorina placed third from the bottom in New Hampshire, getting a little over 11,000 votes, 4% of the total vote share, but zero delegates.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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