Carly Fiorina Reflects on the Time She Cast The One Ring Into the Fires of Mt. Doom

FT. MENDACITY, OKLAHOMA — 2016 Presidential contender and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina was on the campaign trail this week when she regaled her audience with a gripping tale of good and evil, starring Ms. Fiorina at the center of it all.

After having made a splash in the election during the second Republican debate in which she stridently declared to have seen a gruesome scene in a sting video attacking Planned Parenthood, Fiorina solidified her reputation as a candidate willing to say whatever it takes to get her base riled up, even if what she’s saying can’t be verified through evidence or facts. Even when specifically confronted by “Meet the Press” host Chuck Todd with the reality that the scene she described simply cannot be found anywhere in the raw footage or the edited footage, Fiorina stubbornly clung to her own reality.

In a small town in Oklahoma, Fiorina painted a rather extraordinary picture of her life and her accomplishments, much of which is reliant upon her own word for verification. Ms. Fiorina told reporters and members of the rally’s audience that she was “minding [her] own business” in the shire that she grew up on, sitting under a tree, when the great and powerful wizard Reagandalf The Grey approached her. Reagandalf had been known in his previous career as a B-movie star, but he’d recently been given the position of “Most Powerful Wizard” and he needed Fiorina’s help.

“Reagandalf told me that there was a special mission that only I could carry out,” Fiorina told the crowd, “and when Ronald Reagandalf asks for your help, you snap to.” So, Fiorina says, she accompanied the wise mage back to the hole in the earth that her family called home, where she says Reagandalf gave her a very powerful ring. “He said, this one ring has the power to rule all the creatures on this planet, and therefore it was too dangerous for anyone to possess and it must be destroyed, immediately.”

So, Fiorina says, she tucked the One Ring into her pants pocket and set out with her friend Sam for Mt. Doom. Along the way, Fiorina said she fell-in with an heir to the throne that had forsaken his destiny as King, an Elf, and a Dwarf, and together they formed “a sort of fellowship,” she said. “And rest assured, this all happened, exactly as I’m saying it did,” Fiorina emphatically stated.

“It was the hardest quest I’ve ever undertaken,” the Republican candidate said, “and I couldn’t even outsource a single bit of it.” She said it was also particularly challenging because she “couldn’t just fire a bunch of people to look good on paper.” Fiorina said she “learned a lot while battling Orcs and other minions of Sauron,” and that those lessons would “absolutely translate into being a great¬†president.”

After weeks, if not months, of trekking through tough terrain and fighting massive hoards Sauron’s most hardened warriors, Fiorina said she finally found herself at the bottom of Mt. Doom inside the walls of the Dark One’s fortress. She climbed, though she was extremely weak from the adventure she said, all the way to the top, where she stood, looking at the fire and lava swirling below her.

“I had come to see that ring as something quite precious to me,” Fiorina said, “but I remembered what Reagandalf told me, how important it was that this ring be destroyed.” So, she says, she threw the ring into the fires of Mt. Doom, and watched it melt. “I had surely saved all of Middle-Earth — excuse me, the United States of America — from certain doom and slavery to the most wicked entity on earth not named Hillary Clinton.”

The 2016 presidential election is still more than a year away, and Ms. Fiorina is currently placing in either second or third in the Republican Primary, depending on which poll is used.