Carly Fiorina: Don’t Have an Abortion Because I Need More Political Props

LAKE OVA, IOWA — At a campaign stop in Iowa this past weekend, Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina attempted to explain her actions last when she appeared to use about two dozen elementary school-aged children as political props, drawing criticism from the punditry class as well as from some of the students’ parents themselves.

“I just really love using kids as props,” Fiorina told reporters in Lake Ova, Iowa on Sunday afternoon, “because you know, I’m so respectful of them and stuff.” Fiorina said that she “had no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings” when she turned a field trip to a botanical garden she was accompanying the children on into a full-blown anti-abortion rally. Ms. Fiorina’s defining moment in the election thus far has been when she challenged Hillary Clinton “and all Democrats” to watch a scene in an anti-abortion sting video that no fact checker has to date been able to find. She has attempted to stake out ground in the Republican primary field as even more staunchly against abortion than even the evangelical Rick Santorum or Mike Huckabee.

Ms. Fiorina further told reporters that her choosing what was best for the children she posed in front of was simply “a visual demonstration of pro-life values.”

“At the end of the day, what we really want to do is tell you what to do with your body, sure,” Fiorina said in a blithe tone, “but we also totally want to dictate to you how to raise your children once we force you to have them whenever we want you to have them. No matter how much we claim right-wingers are all about defending personal liberty, we’d still rather your children not learn things that challenge their Christian religion, so that’s of course why we’re also anti-education despite saying we’re pro-life. Because being pro-life doesn’t mean you are pro-quality-of-life, know what I mean?”

Dabbing away tears from her eyes, Fiorina said that she wants “women to take responsibility for themselves in a way only [she sees] fit” and “political visual aides don’t just grow on trees” so women need to “keep pumping out those conservative baby props.”

“Nothing says ‘I care about children’ like using them to make an argument for state control over your vagina,” Fiorina said, “like using children like a cheap prop. I intend to continue to demonstrate that same level of intellectual honesty and consistency when I get into the White House or my name isn’t Susan McBerry — er I mean Carly Fiorina!” Ms. Fiorina is currently placing near the bottom of the field in polling of potential Republican nominees, and was dropped from the “main stage” at the last Republican debate.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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