Carly Fiorina Presents Planned Parenthood Shooter With Baby Warrior Medal of Honor

COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO — Despite some of her insistence that rhetoric about the alleged Planned Parenthood sting videos had nothing to do with the shooting at a clinic in Colorado Springs last month, 2016 Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina met with the shooter just after his court appearance this week, and presented him with a Baby Warrior Medal of Honor.

During his most recent court appearance, Robert Lewis Dear confirmed what many had been speculating about since the shooting took place — that it was an anti-abortion, politically motivated attack. “I’m guilty,” Mr. Dear shouted in the courtroom adding, “there will be no trial. I’m a warrior for the babies.” Though his lawyer suggested that Dear be evaluated to see if he is competent to stand trial, Dear himself said, “I’m competent” before insisting he would not go on any psychotropic drugs as the Aurora, Colorado shooter had been. “You’ll never know the amount of blood I saw in that place,” Dear told the judge and the people in the courtroom.

“You know at first, I didn’t want to say my rhetoric had anything to do with the shooting,” Fiorina told reporters who asked her what she was doing at the court house, “but once he declared himself a warrior for the babies, I knew that this guy was someone who would vote for me. As a politician, I appreciate people who would vote for me more than anything, even if they are murderous psychopaths inspired to kill by my rhetorical jabs at Planned Parenthood based on scenes in highly-suspect videos.” So, Ms. Fiorina said, she came there to “give this brave baby warrior” a medal.

The inscription on the medal reads, “To a brave baby warrior who furthered the noble cause of protecting innocent life by ending three completely innocent lives,” Fiorina said as she read it to the press. “Sure, it’s sad that these deaths had to happen in order to make everyone see how bad killing is,” Ms. Fiorina said when prompted by a reporter, “but don’t ask me to juxtapose those two paradigms in my mind; I’m a Republican. We don’t do deep thinking. Shallow, superficial thinking so that we can justify our laziness, apathy and religious-based justification for social injustice. That’s our bag.”

“I understand that some may think this is a horrible stunt and that it sends a terrible message to the people of the country that they can just grab an assault weapon and murder people they think are doing bad things,” Fiorina said, “but in my defense — I’m tanking in the polls and need something to fire up the fundies again. You know, the same fundies I fired up before that resulted in three dead people? Exactly. That.”

Dear was arraigned on over 170 counts including many for first degree and attempted murder. Thus far there has been no word on whether prosecutors will seek the death penalty. Dear killed three and wounded several more when he attacked the Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs, Colorado in November.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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