Carly Fiorina: I Know Where Luke Is In The New “Star Wars” Movie

MERDE PLAINS, IOWA — On a campaign stop in Iowa this week, 2016 Republican candidate Carly Fiorina told a rally audience something she hoped would give her a boost in the polls. Despite a strong performance in the second GOP debate, Fiorina has seen a dip in her numbers of late, and many feel it is because she has been caught more than once fabricating facts. First, during that second debate she spoke of a scene in the now infamous Planned Parenthood sting videos that no one has remotely been close to finding, and ultimately led to the makers of the video admitting the scene she referred to was stock footage, and not of an abortion performed at Planned Parenthood. When her statement about 92% of the jobs lost in the first months of the Obama administration being womens’ jobs, Fiorina was caught recycling a debunked 2012 Mitt Romney talking point.

“You know, a lot has been said about whether you can trust what I say,” Fiorina told the rally audience, “but rest assured, I am the most trust worthy person on the campaign trail. Sure, I’ve been caught at least twice saying things not backed-up by reality, sure I very often try to paint my tenure as CEO of Hewlett-Packard as anything but the disastrous nightmare it was that left the company worth a fraction of what it was when I got control of it, but rest assured, again, you can trust me,” the former tech executive said, “and I will let you all in on a little secret right now, to prove that I am trustworthy. Next month when the new Star Wars film comes out, you can fact-check me on what I’m going to tell you right now.”

It was then that Fiorina told her audience that when she was in California on a recent trip, she was invited to Disney Studios and shown a special screening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Fiorina said she was “very excited to be the first person ever to see the completed film.” One detail in particular about the film, she said, she wrote down so she wouldn’t forget. “I know where Luke Skywalker is in this film,” Fiorina said, “and rest assured, I will tell you the truth about where he is right now.”

“At the start of the film, Luke is on the Starship Enterprise, putting in 42 different coordinates into a computer, with a towel slung around his shoulder,” Fiorina said, “then, we see him working on some kind of device that lets him travel through space and time. It was shaped sort of like an old fashioned phone booth. Very cool stuff.” Fiorina said that JJ Abrams — the film’s director, swore her to secrecy about every detail, except Luke’s whereabouts. “I guess if JJ can trust me with this information, you guys should all probably be able to trust me with the nuclear launch codes, huh” Fiorina asked rhetorically.

Representatives from Disney and LucasFilm as well as a rep for JJ Abrams all flatly denied Fiorina’s story via Twitter and other social media platforms. Fiorina’s campaign then released a new statement that said, “Ms. Firoina absolutely saw the things she says she saw when she says she saw them. Anyone claiming otherwise is a liberal lamesream media lapdog lying to your face. Ms. Fiorina has proven time and again that the truth will be no barrier to her, whatsoever, and this latest coordinated attack on her credibility is proof of it.”

Mark Hamil, the actor who plays Luke in the films, released a simple, one-phrase statement in response to the story, “LOL.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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