Carly Fiorina Hastily Canceling ‘World’s Worst Veep’ Coffee Mug Purchase

MASON NECK, VIRGINIA — Just a matter of hours after she was thrust back into the spotlight as Sen. Ted Cruz’s (R-TX) running mate and Vice-Presidential pick, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina was hastily trying to cancel a purchase she had made on Amazon in what she called “giving over to the moment.”

Fiorina at the time of publication was on the phone with a representative from Amazon, trying to secure an return merchandise authorization, or RMA, for a coffee mug she had purchased minutes after Cruz announced her as his VP pick. The mug is plain white with big, black, bold lettering that proclaims her the “World’s Worst Veep.”

“Oh, I was so excited about the possibility of bringing back the Cheney Vice-Presidential Doctrine,” Fiorina reportedly told her husband, “you know, making sure that anything that comes out of your mouth is at most 45% true. But now that Teddy’s out, well…it’s time to put my dreams of lying about Planned Parenthood for four solid years on the back burner, I guess.” Fiorina said she knew when she was making her purchase that it was “ballsy” because so many Americans will always consider Dick Cheney the worst Vice President of their lifetimes.

But, Fiorina said, she knew she was going to be up for the challenge of “out shitty-ing” Cheney.

“Sure, he was a war mongering asshole who asked a whole new generation of young people to die for his profit margins,” Fiorina said, “but I helped inspire a shooting at a Planned Parenthood clinic and didn’t take any responsibility for my heated rhetoric based on lies when it did. So I’m pretty sure that makes me at least close to Cheney in terms of asshole-ocity, don’t you,” she asked her husband.

While giving the Amazon customer service rep her credit card information she revealed that she’s not done with politics just yet.

“Yes, I have not won a single thing I’ve run for, and have generally been an embarrassing footnote in every race I’ve been in,” Fiorina said, “but I just feel like if I can tank HP, I can take anything. Including a government. Any government. State, local, national, it doesn’t matter. So I know I’ll be back on the beam in no time, and there has to be a group of voters out there willing to overlook my track record of utter failure. incompetence and mendacity enough to vote for me, right? Right?”

Fiorina would have been the second female VP pick for the Republicans had Cruz not dropped out following his blistering defeat in Indiana’s GOP primary.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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