Carly Fiorina Fondly Recounts the Time She Found Atlantis

LOVITZ BLUFF, IOWA — 2016 Republican Contender Carly Fiorina regaled an audience at a campaign rally in Iowa this week with a fascinating, fantastical, and truly unbelievable account of a time she made archaeological and human history while she was on a vacation as CEO of Hewlett-Packard.

“I’ll never forget it,” Fiorina told the crowd in front of the Chamber of Commerce in Lovitz Bluff, Iowa, “the day that I discovered what so-called scientists had told us all was just a tall tale. But like global warming, I knew that I shouldn’t just take the word of people who had dedicated their lives to studying a subject I had a passing, if that, knowledge of, and I went out in search of the Lost City of Atlantis.” Fiorina says she wasn’t deterred by what she had been “taught in liberal public education” about the mythic city under the sea and she “persevered” like she “always does,” not stopping until she found herself at the entrance to Atlantis.

Fiorina said as she entered her small, one-woman submersible watercraft somewhere off the coast of Africa in the Atlantic Ocean, she had a feeling something special would happen. “God, the almighty American God that awoke me to the horrors I witnessed in that Planned Parenthood video, rest assured, would lead me to the discovery of an underground city, lost for centuries beneath the surface of the ocean.”

“As my submarine dove deep below the surface of the Atlantic, I was nervous,” Fiorina said, “but I just had to keep moving down, diving further and further into the great unknown.” Fiorina said that at one point all the instruments on her control panel went dark, and she was left with only her “cunning and smarts” to help her. She decided to keep pushing down, down, down into the depths of the ocean below her.

The Republican hopeful said that after about an hour of just diving, to points that she says most “so-called scientists would say [she] couldn’t possibly survive the pressure,” she saw a tiny, flickering light that she pressed her craft toward. “I just felt like something special was waiting for me, wherever that light was taking me,” she’d tell her audience. The light grew from “a pin prick to a massive tunnel” Fiorina said, and after another few minutes of following the tunnel, her eyes opened wide and her “jaw fell open.”

“Rest assured, and this is totally true, and I would invite Hillary Clinton and the Democrats to prove me wrong about this, I found the Lost City of Atlantis, at the end of that tunnel,” Ms. Fiorina said. “It was just breathtaking, from the ground up,” Fiorina said, “and it felt like I was in front of the Gates of Heaven, but instead I was seeing a city that many so-called educated people from liberal institutions of so-called learning called pure myth, like Trickle Down Economics. Well guess what, everyone, I found Atlantis so that means Trickle Down is real and the Planned Parenthood tapes were all completely legitimate.”

Fiorina said that she knew she’d be questioned about the validity of her story, so she made sure to take lots of pictures with the cameras mounted outside her submarine. “I took hundreds of pictures of Atlantis, rest assured,” she told the attendees of the rally, “you will all see the evidence of my amazing discovery, just not right now.” Fiorina explained that the cameras on her watercraft were all “very old school” and used traditional film.

“So the pictures I took of Atlantis, rest assured I took them, will come out as soon as the photo lab finishes with them,” Fiorina told her crowd, “and I didn’t want to do one hour photo because I didn’t want them rushed; I wanted them perfect. But now that you mention it, it has been a few years since I dropped it off, so maybe they lost the film? Yeah, that’s the ticket. They lost the film. But boy did I see the Lost City of Atlantis that day.”

“Rest assured,” Fiorina reiterated, “I discovered the shit out of that lost, mythical city.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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