WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that it will be going over their world history flashcards with President Donald Trump after two calls — one apiece with the Prime Ministers of Canada and Germany — didn’t go quite as smoothly as some might hope.
“When Mr. Trump was elected, we knew one of the first things we had to do was deprogram at least some of what he was told during the campaign by aides from the Breitbart Institute,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “The calls to Prime Ministers Trudeau and Merkel underscored our need to bring the flash cards we had made to teach him non-revised history back to his daily briefings.”
Reportedly, last week Mr. Trump had a call with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada that got a little heated when the subject of Trump’s highly criticized steel and aluminum tariffs were brought up. Eventually, President Trump, flustered, seemed to intimate that Canada still owed America a debt for burning down the White House during the War of 1812. Independent scholars have been unable to find any evidence that Canada was a country back then, much less burned down the White House.
“On the call, which we have given you a readout for, President Trump was discussing how things in general are going in Germany,” Sanders said of a call with Angela Merkel yesterday, “and the subject of his call with Mr. Trudeau came up.”
Ms. Merkel apparently told Trump she could “sympathize a little” with him, Sanders said, because she understands the “pressures calls between heads of state” can cause. Mr. Trump, feeling like Merkel’s sympathy was an opening, started complaining about how “overly sensitive” and “cucky” that Trudeau behaved, Sanders reported.
“I mean, he’s just so sensitive, so cucky,” Trump said. “I could bring up the whole taxation without representation thing with you and you wouldn’t get your lederhosen in a twist, would you Angie?”
A brief pause is mentioned at this point in the conversation by the readout.
“Mr. President? I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow,” Merkel said.
“Oh, of course you don’t know U.S. History! You’re from Nazi Land, yeah,” Trump said, just completely ignoring Merkel’s protests at that remark. “You prolly don’t know this, but I’m a Road Scholar in History.”
Merkel was confused.
“I’m confused, Mr. President. Do you mean Rhodes Scholar,” Merkel asked.
Trump laughed, again.
“No, Angie! Road. Like the rocky road. Mmm. Ice cream. Hang on,” Trump said. “SARAH! BRING ME SOME FUCKING ROCKY ROAD ICE CREAM, SARAH! TWO SCOOPS, DO NOT FORGET MY SECOND FUCKING SCOOP THIS TIME, SARAH!”
The readout shows another pause in the audio. Then, over sounds of him smacking his mouth on his ice cream, Trump continued.
“Point is, Angie, you guys did that whole taxationing us without representationing us,” Trump said with a tone of absolute confidence. “It’s in the history books. All of them. The best ones. The bigliest ones.”
Merkel, sensing the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, moved to end it.
“Yes, well, you know, mmhmmm,” Merkel said. “That’s very interesting you have that perspective, Mr. President. We’ll have to chat about it later, okay thanks byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Later this week, President Trump is scheduled to give a commencement speech to the History department graduates from Trump University.