California Man Too Stoned Coping With Trump’s America To Care About Him Escalating War on Drugs

VISTA HEIGHTS, CALIFORNIA — 37-year-old Jack Sampson is an unabashed recreational user of marijuana. Jack, a stand-up comedian and writer who’s worked on various TV shows and print publications for the last fifteen years, recently told his podcast audience that he’s sure he’s “supposed to be freaked out” about the Trump administration intimating that they’d crack down on states that have legalized weed in the recreational sense, but that he’s too stoned at the moment to “give a fuck.”

“I mean, I’m not too stoned to remember that marijuana prohibition hasn’t stopped it from being widely available, like ever,” Sampson said, “and I’m not too stoned to remember that the War on Drugs has disproportionately affected the African American community. And I’m definitely not too stoned to remember that pot is safer than alcohol or tobacco, and that’s been proven over and over again. But yeah, when it comes to freaking out about Trump coming after legal weed, I’m too stoned right now to give a fuck.”

In the segment on whether Trump and his Attorney General Jeff Sessions would crack down on recreational weed in states that have put themselves in violation of federal law with it, Jack said he was “sure at some point” he’d have to get worked up about it, but right now was not that time.

“Oh, it’s utter bullshit,” Jack said, “don’t think I’m not upset about it. These are troubling times to be faced with going backward on this issue, especially when you can see some tremendously good things coming out of it. Colorado had more tax revenue from pot than beer last year, and all that tax money is going to make their schools, bridges, and roads pretty spiffy, if you ask me.”

Jack says that he’s “so stoned these days just trying to cope with Trump as president” that a lot of the news about what Trump is doing seems to “wash over” him after awhile.

“Honestly,  every time I go to Twitter,” Jack said, “I’m presented with new, fresh level of stupidity from the president. And if it’s not stupidity it’s bald-faced white nationalism. And if it’s not that, it’s back to just being garden variety American stupidity. It’s like I’m caught in a feedback loop of derp. So, I smoke way, way more pot these days than I ever have before. I figure I’d rather be completely numb to what’s going around me than to be fully awake during the slide of our republic into the abyss.

Mr. Sampson did explain to his listeners, however, that he understands he’s in a “privileged situation” and that some of his other friends might not be so lucky.

“Granted, I’m white,” Sampson declared, “so the drug war has never been that big a threat to me. My buddy Carl, though? He spent six years in a prison in Kentucky for having about a gram of weed on him once. He’s black. Draw your own conclusions.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This