WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, who is also a noted scientist with published theories on the safety of looking right at a solar eclipse, told reporters today that in his estimation the multiple, deadly fires burning in California are being made worse by windmills in the state.
There are currently at least four very dangerous fires burning throughout the Golden State. They threaten the homes and possessions of thousands. Even NBA star Lebron James was forced to evacuate his home because it is in one of the areas being ravaged by flames. Mr. Trump has always had a contentious relationship with California, often times lashing out at the state that he lost by a whopping 30% back in 2016.
“Well, you know, I’ve asked my staff and they say that technically since California is a state in America, that I have to care about them,” Trump yelled at reporters while he paced back and forth on the White House lawn, waiting for a helicopter ride to his D.C. area golf course for lunch at the clubhouse. “So I’ve let my big, beautiful, perfect brain dedicate a little bit of its precious time to this whole fire situation.”
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While President Trump may not have come up with any solutions, he screamed at reporters that he had thought of several reasons why the fires started, and why they’ve been particularly bad the last few fire seasons.
“First of off, forget global warming, or climate change, or whatever Bob Mueller’s angry Democrat left-wing AOC plus three tell you,” Trump insisted. “The fact is, that all their so-called green energy is probably to blame. As best as I can tell, and I can tell the best out of anyone, just ask these three, totally random people I just so happen to have here, who are in fact no way paid by me.”
Trump pointed to the three people who had appeared next to him. In unison, they spoke.
“Yes. President Donald Trump is all knowing, all seeing, and can tell the best out of anyone,” the trio said together.
President Trump nodded smugly, and continued.
“So anyway, the best I can tell is that the fires are getting masturbated by the windmills,” Trump said emphatically. “It doesn’t take a stable genius like me to know that wind can make fires more badder. Windmills produce tons of wind. That’s why they can give you such horrible windmill cancer, of course. Hair-go, they can also masturbate fire conditions. All the windmills making so much wind, it really does just completely masturbate the fires.”
Farting, the president continued to pontificate.
“Those windmills, I tell you, they aren’t safe. I don’t know why people didn’t listen to me when I was telling them back during the time we were shooting The Apprentice,” Trump howled. “I told everyone climate change is a Chinese hoax. Hell, I think that China itself is a Chinese hoax. But the point is, I told everyone stop all this global warming nonsense. Stop building those wind turbines. Because no one needs to die of windmill cancer or have their house burnt to a crisp over a stupid windmill.”
Trump announced he was naming a campaign donor, Mr. Sancho Q. Panza, as his chief windmill adviser. Mr. Panza will be assisting President Trump in “coming up with a plan of attack” on California’s windmills. Trump is hopeful if he can “take down or eliminate” enough of the state’s wind turbines, he can end fires in California forever.
“The bottom line is pretty simple, if you ask me. Winds blow fire. Winds cause cancer,” Trump said. “And even though I don’t wanna, I care about Californians. I don’t want them getting cancer and watching their house burn down. Sancho and I will take down those windmills. We will do it for the good of the country. And, if California wants to slide me a dozen or Electoral College votes next year as a thank you — and I believe they really should — I won’t stop them.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.