‘Bummed Out’ Rubio Finds Out AFTER Debate That Obama’s Not Running This Time

PASTORAL FIELD, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Marco Rubio (R-TX) offered New Hampshire voters a new explanation for his awkward performance in the last Republican primary debate, held in the Granite State over the weekend, in which Rubio curiously repeated the same memorized speech about President Barack Obama not once, not twice, not three times, but four separate times in the course of the debate.

“A lot of people in the mainstream, gotcha press are wondering why I kept repeating that same speech about Obama,” Rubio told the crowd assembled at a Jiffy Lube in a small New Hampshire town, “but that’s because they don’t want to give you the whole truth. The whole truth is that of course I’m going to go after the incumbent. Look at this mess he’s gotten us into. The unemployment rate is lower than it was when he came into office. Now, I ask you, where are all the unemployed people we gave him to start his presidency? I want a full investigation.”

Rubio said that “it would be folly” not to attack Obama because “you can’t defeat him an election unless you consistently and repeatedly attack him as the outsider, interloper, and you know that guy who will destroy America from within. How, I ask you, am I defeat him in the general election if I don’t mention him now?”

Then, after a short pause, Rubio asked again, “How, I ask you, am I defeat him in the general election if I don’t mention him now?”

Another short pause later, Rubio asked one more time, “How, I ask you, am I defeat him in the general election if I don’t mention him now?”

The crowd fell silent as Rubio repeated the question another six times before engineers came on stage, hooked up him to a smartphone and rebooted him. However, after the rally, the press assailed Rubio with questions, seeking clarity on his statements about attacking Obama to beat him in the General Election.

“Senator Rubio,” one reporter from The Dallas Interviewer and BBQ Review Magazine asked him, “how are you going to beat him when he’s not even running in the fall? He’s literally forbidden by the Constitution to do so.”

Rubio’s eyes turned amber he cocked his head to the side, and then he stood there frozen for a minute while an LED light on his nose blinked on and off rapidly, indicating hard drive activity.

“Well, that’s just a bummer,” Rubio said, “that really bums me out. Someone should have told me that last year when I signed up for this thing. I had a lot of great anti-Obama rhetoric planned. Now I have to do something else. But let me just dispel this myth about Barack Obama not knowing what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s – ”

The engineers quickly appeared, put Rubio on a dolly and whisked him away from the reporters. Rubio finished third in the Iowa caucuses last week and was expected to make big waves in New Hampshire before his debate malfunction.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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