ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY — “I was just hoping to come here, get my picture taken a few hundred times, make some large, grandiose statements about the dangers of making Christianity illegal, and then do something else — what was it — oh yeah, support Kim Davis and stuff,” was what a dejected and slightly befuddled Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA) told the two or three reporters still milling about the court house in Rowan County, Kentucky. Just twenty-four hours earlier two of Jindal’s 2016 Republican primary competitors — Mike Huckbabee (R-AR) and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) — made big headlines by showing up to show support for Davis, the embattled Rowan County clerk who spent several days in jail under contempt of court charges stemming from her flat refusal to issue marriage licenses to any consenting adults who came into her office.
“I’m lagging in the polls pretty badly,” a visibly worried Jindal said, “and I was really hoping that some attention-whoring — excuse me, showing of moral support to Ms. Davis for her courageous fight against liberty and equality for gay people — would give me at least a small bump in the polls.” Now, Jindal worries, “that fat fuck Huckabee is going to suck up all the press from this, just like he always eats an extra couple slices at the Republican Pizza Party, even though some of us have only gotten one or two pieces yet.”
Jindal said that he “totally gets” that his campaign is “going down in flames,” and that is exactly why he was there. “Donors like to see big, showy spectacles. And big dollar donors who have some kind of ax to grind against one group or another in society really love it when you make theatrical demonstrations of support for people who are on their side of the fight; even if their side of the fight is totally gross and represents systemic oppression and tyranny.”
“It’s just not fair,” Jindal said to reporters, a small tear forming in his left eye. “My sedan broke down. I’m a fourth-tier candidate, so I don’t to get to ride around in fancy minivans like the third-tier guys do. Huck beat me here fair and square, I admit it, but couldn’t he have at least stalled a little bit? At least Teddy got some face time in front of the lens. Not much, but some. I didn’t get anything, and now no one’s going to like meeeeeeeeee.” A deep frown crept across his face.
Jindal said that while missing the Davis rally was an “obvious setback” that he’d be “looking to assert his pro-bigotry stance” using Ms. Davis as his own “political prop” because luckily for him, “there is no shortage of fundamentalist outrage over letting two consenting adults commit to loving each other.” Jindal also told reporters he “just wanted to be one of the attention whores giving another attention whore the attention she was clearly whoring her humanity out for” and that he was “mega-bummed” about missing his chance to have his picture taken with an “honest-to-God, living, breathing stereotype.”
“Thank God there are really so many bigots in this country who literally don’t get how the Separation of Church and State works,” Jindal told reporters. “Otherwise, I might have to actually run on my record as an elected official, and as dumb as I am, I’m not that dumb. Why do you think Huck and Teddy are playing up the dog and pony show antics anyway? Even Trump. Is he running on his record of success as a businessman, or is he just pointing to his large stack of cash as if that proves anything? Republican voters don’t want substance; they want platitudes about the culture war and demagoguery of anything remotely resembling democratic socialism.”
Jindal vowed to “continue to look for ways to insert myself in the headlines, using stories I am completely unrelated to” until he “literally has no more campaign cash to waste.” With over 400 days to the election, that could be quite a large sum of money.