‘But Who Will Think Of The Broken Windows,’ Pearl Clutching Neoliberal Shouts While Watching UC Berkeley Riot

Watching a protest turn violent at UC Berkeley, Stan Fritzowizc told his brother he was “appalled” by what he was watching. The riot had broken out after students protested a speech gy the conservative bomb thrower Milo Yiannopoulos, whose anti-feminist and anti-Muslim rhetoric has gotten him into hot water on various social media platforms. Fritzowizc told his brother Frank that while he didn’t agree with Yiannopoulos’ rhetoric, he was “more distrubed and perturbed” by seeing a riot on TV.

“This is 2017,” Stan said, “can’t we have a better and more productive way of showing displeasure?”

Frank saw Stan’s point, but had a different perspective.

“Yeah, that sucks that it got violent, but they’re kids, and they’re angry at watching what’s happening to the world around them,” Frank said, “so they lashed out. They should be punished accordingly, but man, that Milo guy is such a twat, what does one expect when they go traipsing into the public square and spew that bullshit?”

“Sure, that guy spews toxic hatred that encourages people to view others that aren’t like them as garbage and unworthy of humane treatment,” Stan conceded, “but who will think of the broken windows? Who will care for their feelings? Just because an insurance company is going to replace the glass in a couple days and it won’t even impact the business owner’s premiums, we’re supposed to care less about a physical manifestation of materialism than we do about entire communities of people?”

Frank wasn’t sure what his brother was on about.

“What are you on about,” Frank asked.

“You know, the windows,” Stan said, “who is going to make sure they feel safe? Who is going to apologize to them?”

“For being broken,” Frank asked again.

“Yeah, exactly,” Stan said, “inanimate objects have feelings too.”

“No, they don’t,” Frank said.

“Well, you get my meaning,” Stan said.

“I do,” Frank replied,”but I think you’re mistaking the misdeeds of some opportunists for genuine protests. And besides, if you’re Milo Yiannopoulos and you go around saying the horrible stuff he does, you expect this kind of backlash. I’m not saying I would have broken a window, but he says vile, horrible things that go beyond the pale of public discourse. Berkeley probably should have known better than to invite him on campus.”

Stan sat there and thought for awhile.

“Yeah, but the windows, man,” Stan said, “who’s going to think of the windows?”

“Okay, fine, broken windows are bad,” Frank said, “but this guy encourages the thinking that makes white supremacists think it’s okay to commit acts of ethnic cleansing. He encourages dangerous, dangerous behavior and he should be allowed to speak, but this was the government shutting him down. This was protests, which then turned violent and into a riot. Two different things. Nuance, dude. Nuance.”




Stan and Frank argued for two hours. Nothing was solved. Milo was still out in the world spewing hate, and the windows were still broken. Time was still a meaningless illusion. Our lifespans were still just cosmic orgasms in the span of our universe’s existence. Eventually, Frank and Stan died, their bodies decaying, decomposing, and eventually were reabsorbed into the soil, where plants would have normally grown, but by then President Trump’s pro-growth agenda had exacerbated climate change to the point that all that was left on the planet were the cockroaches and the remnants of Kellyanne Conway’s soul, which had been buried deep below an iceberg when she started working for Trump.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.