Breaking: Brett Kavanaugh Sure Could Use a Stiff One Or 50 Right About Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a brutal morning of testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee in which Christine Blasey Ford made public every detail she could remember about a sexual assault she says he perpetrated against her when they were both in high school, Supreme Nominee Brett Kavanaugh was seen telling friends shortly before his own testimony that he could “use a stiff one or 50 right about now.”

“Holy shit that was rough,” Kavanaugh was heard saying. “I can’t believe I did that shit. Thank God I can’t remember any of those things she’s accusing me of, or I’d feel like a pretty big horse’s patoot, I’ll tell you what.”

In recent days, Kavanaugh has denied he’s even heard of alcohol, let alone taken a drink, let further alone taking many drinks, let even further alone still gotten so drunk he did sexual things to girls who didn’t want him to. Kavanaugh has denied ever being a habitual, heavy drinker, despite his own high school yearbook entries bragging about keg parties. It’s unclear at this time what the country’s most famous virginal tea totaling Supreme Court nominee meant this morning by needing a “stiff one or 50,” but our reporters are on the case and will update this story as it is warranted.

Kavanaugh would be Trump’s second confirmation to the Supreme Court in under two years in office, should he make it out of committee. Just one Republican on the committee could prevent Kavanaugh from even reaching a final, full vote in the Senate.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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