Brett Kavanaugh Jealous Democrats Got Bombed While He Had To Listen To Boring Court Cases

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While the nation was gripped with headlines this week about the man who has come to be known as “the MAGABomber,” there was one man in the nation’s capital who was reportedly doing everything he could to avoid any news about the 13 attempted bombings of prominent Democrats and critics of President Donald Trump.

“Brett showed up to work on Tuesday and seemed a little irritable,” one anonymous Supreme Court clerk told us on the condition of anonymity. “He’s usually a little cranky before about 7am, when he has his first drink of the day.”

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly mumbling and grumbling all week about how “unfair” it is that Democrats would be getting bombed while he was “stuck having to listen to boring ass court cases,” as our source says they heard him say one day in the break room over coffee with Clarence Thomas.

“Thomas totally commiserated with Brett, too,” our source says. “Clarence may not like to drink like Brett does, but then again, I don’t think Lindsay Lohan likes to drink like Brett does…anymore, anyway.”

Reportedly, Kavanaugh repeatedly broke into conversations other justices were having around the court house and asking them why he had to be sober for oral arguments, and why he had to sneak a flask into proceedings when “Democrats can just go and get bombed whenever they feel like it.”

“He just would not let up on the subject, and it was frankly getting a little annoying,” our sources tells us. “Eventually the other judges told him he had to take a chill pill, and of course that put him in even more of a state of agitation. We’re learning really quickly around here to keep Brett plied with beer, because he’s even worse when he’s dry drunk.”

Justice Kavanaugh was last seen headed toward his favorite D.C.-area bar, The Devil’s Triangle.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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