WASHINGTON – Rep. Randy Weber , a Republican from Texas, recently compared President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler, and he’s willing to go to great lengths to prove it wasn’t just the hyperbolic rantings of a partisan-blind hack from Texas.
House Resolution 451.1, The “Send An Indiana Jones-Type to Germany To Find Adolf Hitler’s DNA and Clone Him Act of 2015” as it’s come to be known would do pretty much exactly what its description says it would do — send a rakishly handsome archaeologist to Germany where they’ll try to recover enough of Adolf Hitler’s biological materials to create an exact replica of the fascist dictator. Weber said on a speech on the floor that, “I intend to prove that my comparing the ill-guided decision to not attend the unity rally and march in Paris, France this week by President Obama to the systematic and serial extermination of over six million Jews, gypsies, homosexuals and disabled people isn’t just completely bat-dung crazy lunacy from someone who wouldn’t be elected as hall monitor, much less to Congress, in any other state.”
The price tag for the expedition is unknown, but Rep. Weber says that leather jackets, fedoras, and colt-style revolvers are going to be in high demand. When asked by a member of the lame-stream media after the session in which he brought HR 451.1 to the floor if he thought it was a good idea to bring back the man who is widely held as the most savagely evil person in roughly twelve lifetimes, Weber thought for a moment then said, “I do believe that when Thomas Jefferson and James Madison and John Adams and Patrick Henry and Ben Franklin and Captain America and – ” Rep. Weber spent the next twenty minutes just rambling off a list of names of founders he could remember, trailing off and eventually just putting his hands up and out in the universal “I dunno” posture.
A spokeswoman for Weber’s office tried to bring a little clarity to the situation saying, “Representative Weber believes deep-down that President Obama — a twice-duly elected president who got three times more votes in just one of his victories than the Republican Party got in the last mid-term election — is almost exactly like Adolf Hitler, and he believes proving this will once and for all prove to people that Benghazi was a cover-up.” She went on to say that “impeaching President Obama for Benghazi simply cannot happen until the American People see firsthand Hitler and Obama are so alike that if we put them in a room together and have you close your eyes, you will literally have absolutely no way to tell them apart once they start speaking.”
Weber says he plans to take New Hitler on a tour of America, starting in Texas of course, so that Americans can come and meet the revitalized genocidal maniac and “see for their-selfs [sic] just how much Obama’s the spittin’ image of Hitler.” Weber hopes his Town Halls With The Fuhrer will attract big crowds. “Hell, I bet once we get New Hitler all stood up, we get bigger crowds than the last EURO rally I attended!”
When asked how he feels about one of his caucus members proposing to find and clone Adolf Hitler, Speaker of the House John Boehner said, “Look, after six years of this, you guys should all know by now that I’m terrified of losing our base. So anything that feeds steaming chunks of red meat to them, ginning up their fears and playing their paranoia over losing a country they never had in the first place, I’m for it. Now, hand me that snifter of brandy and shut up, I’m trying to watch my ‘WKRP in Cincinnati” re-runs!”
At the time this article was written, Rep. Weber hadn’t provided a list of potential candidates to carry out the mission, though he is rumored to be talking to actor Harrison Ford to see if he feels up to the task. Legislatively, HR 451.1 is probably doomed from the outset because while it could pass in the Senate with the help of the red state Democrats that helped get approval for the Keystone XL pipeline through despite a veto threat from Obama, there is little chance that Obama wouldn’t simply veto it, and Weber doesn’t have the votes in either chamber of Congress to override the veto. But even the thought of ultimately losing on this bill won’t deter Weber.
“Fiscal conservatism,” Weber said while picking beef jerky out of his teeth with a fresh, crisp, hundred dollar bill provided by a lobbyist, “means knowing that sometimes you have to waste millions of taxpayer dollars on fruitless pursuits of political theater. Did the great patriot Darrell Issa balk every time he was presented with the bill for his Benghazi investigations? Did Senator Joseph McCarthy blanch at the thought of spending all those millions of dollars harassing people he presumed to be communists?” Weber stopped asking rhetorical questions and concluded his press conference.
“The bottom line is that we were put here by the American people to stop the out of control spending of the Democrat in The White House. And the only way to stop all that out of control spending is to spend a ton of money on useless scandal investigations. If you don’t like that, then I suggest you come on down and ask New Hitler how he feels about things. He’ll set you straight. God Bless America! God Bless the Free Markets! And God Bless the Republican Party!”