BREAKING: Multiple Explosions In U.S. Observed After FBI Recommends No Charges For Clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security is confirming at time of publication that several million tiny, tiny explosions have taken place all over the U.S. The explosions come in the immediate aftermath following the FBI’s recommendation that no criminal charges be filed against Hillary Rodham Clinton as they pertain to the investigation into her usage of email as Secretary of State.

“It has become apparent to us,” Susan Holmes, Deputy Chief of Media Relations for the Department of Homeland Security, “that despite them never knowing exactly which — if any — laws that Hillary Clinton broke while handing emails in her role of Secretary of State, millions of sad, lonely, Internet Constitutional Scholars and lawyers were convinced Clinton had broken laws and was going to be formally charged.”

When the FBI recommended no charges be filed, that set off a chain reaction in the right-wing of American politics, which resulted in millions of small minds exploding simultaneously. Currently FEMA is engaged all over the nation in an attempt to clean up and contain the mess of tiny skulls filled with trace amounts of gray matter that have erupted from coast to coast.

“The American political right-wing for years has been convinced that despite a total lack of evidence and and a dearth of knowledge of the law,” Holmes briefed reporters, “that both Hillary and Bill Clinton would and should be behind bars. They can’t seem to grasp that gross negligence that Hillary Clinton showed with her emails doesn’t equate to a law being broken that would result in her actually being put behind bars. In our line of work we have a word to describe that kind of dumb talk. It’s ‘ridicustupidumb.'”

Holmes said that for the next six weeks, DHS and FEMA plan on working in tandem to pressure wash America’s streets to restore them to the condition they were in before the FBI Director James Comey’s press conference. Ms. Holmes said that both departments felt sympathy for those who lost their “simple, small minds” over the announcement the rest of the civilized world saw coming a mile away in a cab, but that ultimately this kind of thing is par for the course.

“For the last 25 years conservatives in this country have increasingly embraced the wackiest of conspiracies as Gospel truth,” Holmes said, “and time and again it blows up in their face. I guess it literally blew them up, this time, the poor, water-headed dears.”

This story is developing.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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