BREAKING: Gowdy Says He Has Evidence Someone Was ‘Blowing’ HRC The Night of Benghazi

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) may have not led a very effective hearing on the September 11th, 2012 attack on a U.S. embassy building in Benghazi, Libya this week, and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have come out looking better than he did after that 11-hour hearing, but he brought new allegations this morning that he says “takes this Benghazi thing to a whole new, level that will mean even more more money and time spent investigating” Clinton’s actions as the attack took place.

Gowdy told reporters as he walked into the capitol building after a long but fruitless fishing trip he took to South Carolina to clear his head that he had “new evidence that might seem shocking at first” but that “in the context of the Clinton family’s past scandals makes complete and total sense.” According to Rep. Gowdy, he was sent an email from a junior-level temp that was doing data entry at the State Department in 2012. That data entry technician claims to have been told fourth-hand by their friend that worked two floors up in accounting that on the night of the Benghazi attacks, Ms. Clinton was “very distracted” by “lascivious and sexually tawdry acts” being carried out while she watched a live-stream of the fighting in Libya.

“This data entry tech told me in an email that while she was watching Ambassador Stevens and three other Americans lose their lives,” Gowdy told reporters, “she was getting oral sex — or a hummer, or a Beejer, or a blowie if you will — from a young intern.” Gowdy says in the coming weeks he will release the email as well as have the State Department contractor testify before his hearing to “get to the bottom of this extremely important development.”

The former prosecutor told reporters he realized the Benghazi hearings weren’t going all that well after grilling Clinton for over ten hours and not getting any kind of smoking gun or gotcha moment out of her, and that’s when he consulted former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. “Newt told me to do what our party does best to the Clintons — drag their name through the mud and insinuate a carnal, sinful lifestyle that makes them seem incapable of doing their jobs at the highest levels of government,” Gowdy said.

“Honestly, I think our party conducted the Lewinsky-gate hearings much better than the Benghazi hearings have gone,” Gowdy said, “and when I looked at the Congressional record of both the Lewinsky affair and my Benghazi hearings one glaring difference jumped out — sexual intrigue. So I made a few calls, talked to some junior, lower-level staff members that probably never saw Ms. Clinton let alone interacted with her at the State Department, and a few hours later, we had someone willing to at the very least confirm that Hillary Clinton is a cyborg lizard creature who may or may not have been getting blown at the time the Benghazi attacks were taking place, and that’s enough of a window for us to craft a good right-wing conspiracy around, hand it off to Fox News and talk radio, and let the slackjaws do their thing out in the country.”

Ms. Clinton’s office declined to comment on this story.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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