Brandon Can’t Go, Because He Got COVID, Took Horse Dewormer for It, and Died

In what could be devastating news for millions of Confederate Americans, Brandon has died. Despite weeks of public encouragement from pro-MAGA Americans — including at several college sporting events — it was announced today that Brandon simply cannot “go” as the chants have implored of him.

“Today, it is my sad duty to report that Brandon won’t be going anywhere today, tomorrow, or anywhere else ever again,” Dr. John Fukmilyphe told reporters.

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“Brandon contracted COVID-19 after attending a MAGA rally with some of his friends. Upon getting his diagnosis, Brandon decided his best course of action was ivermectin, but since no doctor would prescribe an antibacterial drug for a virus like COVID, Brandon took matters into his own hands and bought the equine equivalent of the drug. Needless to say, that didn’t do fuck-all, medically speaking, and Brandon was eventually put in a ventilator and died last night.”

Dr. Fukmilyphe believes that Brandon is like so many he’s seen die from COVID-19 in recent weeks.

“Brandon wasn’t vaccinated. Brandon didn’t wear a mask when he was the the MAGA rally. Brandon did absolutely none of the very basic things doctors have been telling him to do to avoid getting COVID,” Dr. Fukmilyphe said.

In lieu of flowers, Brandon’s family has asked for donations to be made in his name to the January 6th Insurrectionist Legal Defense Fund.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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