BRAKING NEWS: Senate to Acknowledge Water Is Wet, Grass May Be Green

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entire world was shocked this week as the United States Senate took a vote on amendments that would officially declare that climate change is real, and even voted on whether or not mankind had a hand in it, and to what extend humans made things worse. Unsurprisingly, the strongest worded acknowledgment of humanity’s role in climate change was struck down by the Republican-controlled chamber. But in a bit of a surprise, it did actually acknowledge that climate change is a real phenomenon, and the fact that the amendment passed with only one “nay” vote from a single red state Republican Senator was big news indeed.

But the Senate isn’t done there. Having tackled the issue of climate change’s veracity, Hill staffers are abuzz at the fact that the Senate feels energized, and more big acknowledgments are on the way. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Republican staffer told us, “Republicans are feeling quite chuffed with themselves getting a hugely bipartisan amendment through that seeks to move the country passed some of the bitter, cantankerous fighting that has gone on over whether or not climate change is real. As the party creating all that pseudo-scientific denialism, it sure feels great to hold a vote that totally contradicts decades of high-volume, high-frequency rhetoric.”

So what’s next for the Senate to acknowledge?

“It’s high time this august body takes up the hot button issues of our time,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell at a recent press conference held at a Hobby Lobby location, “and those issues are namely ‘How wet — if at all — is water?’ and ‘Is Grass Truly Green?'” McConnell later said, “Clearly after the historical climate change acknowledgment vote, we’ve proven this new, Republican Senate has a real knack for confirming the real obvious. It’s time to take that one step further and give Americans the peace of mind that comes with knowing water is wet and grass is indeed green.”

The decision to declare the Senate’s official position on the wetness of water and the hue of grass is a bipartisan one, but that doesn’t mean everyone on both sides of the aisle wants it. Senator Ted Cruz, the chairman of the Senate Subcommittee on Science and Space, has come out strongly against both measures. “There are just too many of my colleagues in my own party willing to play nice with the Democrats,” said Cruz. He said he’s concerned that, “Once we let government tell us things our own senses should be in charge of, we are letting the threat of communism right back into these hallowed grounds we call Amurika.”

Former Congresswoman and current Wal-Mart greeter Michele Bachmann chimed in from her MySpace account about the votes. “Is this the big government Republican Era all over again? What’s next, trying to address actual, real-life problems that are impacting millions of Americans? That sets a dangerous precedent we don’t want to set. Also – Benghazi.”

Pundits on The Hill believe that Republicans should have enough votes to break any filibuster attempts by the Tea Party wing, but just in case they say that they are hearing from their sources that McConnell is working the phones personally. “He knows he can count on the Democrats on these resolutions,” said Republican State Rep Tom Thompaulsen, “but let’s face it; conservatives have a legitimate challenge to this. Just how much government say should be involved in determining anything, much less important and controversial subjects such as water being wet and grass being green?”

There was no word as of the initial publication of this article that the White House had any official position on the resolutions to classify water as wet and grass as green.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This