For the First Time in Four Years, the President Will Not Honor Victims of the Bowling Green Massacre

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of time between 2017 and 2021, Americans got used to their president making them aware of historical events that they may not have ever heard of, or that didn’t actually happen. It was only a matter of days into the administration when White House Bullshit Strategist and Adviser Kellyanne Conway insisted that more Americans should be aware of the Bowling Green Massacre. Though history books don’t make any mention of such a terror attack, for the next four years, the previous administration would honor those who they say lost their lives in the terror attack that the Obama administration did nothing to prevent.

It’s said quite often, though, that “elections have consequences.” When Joe Biden won last year’s presidential, it signalled that yet again power would transfer, eventually and after a coup attempt on January 6th, and that there would indeed be consequences following Biden’s election.

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“Well, President Biden simply feels that at this point in time it’s better, if we’re going to be honoring the fallen,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki told reporters today, “that we should be honoring the ones that actually, you know, fell.”

Psaki said that because the Biden administration has not been able to find any record of the Bowling Green Massacre having taken place, they decided to cancel the annual wreath laying ceremony started by Biden’s predecessor. For four years, that president would go out and put a wreath down in front of a bowling alley near the White House, though the “Bowling Green” in “Bowling Green Massacre” refers to a city in Kentucky, not a bowling alley. Regardless of where the previous president laid the wreath, Biden will not be participating in that ceremony any longer.

“Almost 400,000 Americans lost their lives under the watch of the previous administration,” Psaki reminded reporters today. “This president is focused on honoring those who died of the coronavirus to ensure they didn’t die in vain. If, once we get this pandemic under control, and we have the bandwidth to track down proof that the Bowling Green Massacre actually happened, we’ll circle back to the wreath laying ceremony.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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