Sub-President Trump Proposes Cutting Social Security To Pay For Bowling Green Massacre Memorial

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With permission from Steve Bannon, Sub-President Donald Trump has decided to petition Congress for the funds to erect a massive monument to the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.

On March 32nd, 2013, the United States withstood a sustained attack from C.O.B.R.A. — a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world — and that attack left several GI Joes dead or severely wounded. Top Bannon Administration official Kellyanne Conway first put the Bowling Green Massacre back in the headlines when she brought it up in defense of the sub-president’s executive order banning travel into the U.S. from seven mostly Islamic countries. It was later revealed that Conway also brought the attack up twice before.

“I’m going to be asking Congress,” Sub-President Trump told reporters outside a local Burger King he was eating lunch at, “to find some room the federal budget to erect a massive, yooge, bigly monument to the brave men and women who sacrificed their lives on 3/32/13.”

Trump said it’s “entirely possible and very likely” that cuts in other areas of spending will have be made. He said it’ll be necessary to find “roughly 32 trillion dollars” with which to erect the monument, which will be of Trump. This, he said, is because he was the president “brave enough to bring up the Bowling Green Massacre.” Mr. Trump also said that the cuts will probably come from the social safety net.

“I think most elderly Americans would gladly sign up to eat cat food once, twice, or seven times a week,” Trump said, “if it meant that we could honor the fallen, our heroes, of the historical and very real Bowling Green Massacre. So I will be instructing Congress, not asking, I don’t ask, okay? That’s not in the Constitution. It doesn’t say that I have to ask. It says I have supreme, imperial powers. Just ask any of my many lawyers I pay to tell me exactly what it is I want to hear and nothing else, okay?”

Social Security is the program Trump sees as the “most logicarific option” to fund his proposed memorial.

“We spend a lot on Social Security, folks, bigly lots,” Trump said, “and I think it’s time we ask our elderly to chip in and pay their fair share, don’t you? What’s an extra meal or six skipped in a week really going to cost them? They’re probably all going to die soon anyway. And young people don’t need retirement insurance. They’re young, and I plan to have my top men figure out how to stop the aging process and help us all live forever.”

The monument, Trump says, will be as tall as Trump Tower in Manhattan. In fact, the sub-president said he’s even considering having congress approve the funds to simply uproot and move Trump tower to the nation’s capital, where it can be the Bowling Green Massacre monument.

“People will, for the first time, be able to sleep in luxury monument accommodations,” Mr. Trump said, “and I think that’s a great thing. Many people will come, pay good money, and stay in the Bowling Green monument.”

A reporter from The New York Times asked Trump if the taxpayers would be reimbursed out of the hotel fees that would be charged at the new monument. Trump laughed, extremely hard. He laughed so hard that tears streamed down his cheeks. He laughed so uproariously that it startled a family of ducks in a pond a hundred yards away. Sub-President Trump was so tickled by the question he took a full five minutes to regain his breath before answering succinctly.

“Nope,” Trump said, “mine, all mine, none yours.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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