MADISON, WI — Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is a lot of Republican rank-and-file voters’ hopeful choice for their party’s 2016 presidential nomination. He’s nominally good looking, youngish, and has as of yet to say anything all that offensive about rape — at least on the Official Republican Rhetoric Scale put out by Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus. He successfully passed anti-labor laws in his state and even survived a bitter recall vote over it. Voters in his state reelected him in 2014, and he is paying back his conservative base by instituting a policy of drug testing people before they receive welfare funds.
Walker is not alone in this proposal, of course. In Utah, their program of drug testing welfare recipients was an overwhelming success, as long as you define “success” as spending roughly $2600 per person caught and catching 12 whole people. Florida’s program was similarly successful after their Governor Rick Scott signed a law onto the books that had Floridian welfare recipients going to a drug testing company Scott was at least partially invested in — showing sound fiscal conservative policies of cronyism and collusion at the expense of the taxpayer — spending thousands of dollars and catching an astounding 2.6% of their applicants as testing positive for drugs. Florida’s law was so successful, a Federal judge shut it down as unconstitutional.
Having the Federal government call your law egregiously against the principles this country was founded on is the ultimate badge of honor for small government conservatives that hate the government so much they want to control all of it. Is this why Walker is so pumped to get into a showdown with the Obama Administration over his own welfare drug testing program?
“We’re not doing this for any other reason than because we feel it’s in everyone’s best interest to add one more layer to the already complicated miasma of forms and anti-fraud steps the Federal government already has in place to ensure no one is ripping off the social safety net,” said Walker aide Fredo E. Senza-Cuore when we placed a call to Walker’s office. “As we all know, Governor Walker is a firm believer in the teaching of Jesus Christ to heal the sick, feed the hungry, and be charitable to the poor, but he’s read the Bible in its entirety and also knows that people often forget all the provisos Christ had for his unconditional love of all mankind, namely that if you’re going do all those things, you should have the least among you pass a pee-test. It’s right there in the book of Romans.”
The Political Garbage Chute received an email from an anonymous aide to a Wisconsin State legislator who is a Democrat. That email detailed a plan to counteract Walker’s drug testing requirement. Democrats in the Cheese State plan to propose an a law that would grant any person who was forced to take a drug test by the state of Wisconsin and passes permission to micturate on the governor’s head.
The “Pass and Piss on the Piss-Ant” bill is still in its early drafting phases, but the anonymous aide said in the email that state Dems “feel [they] have a really good shot at getting this passed. We see the results of other, similar Republican-led efforts to further demonize and demoralize those who simply need help making ends meet while they are in their most desperate times.”
Senza-Cuore, when asked how his boss feels about the Pass and Piss on the Piss-Ant bill said, “This is what happens when you have a Democrat in the White House. It creates a culture of disrespect,” and he continued, “how is our state spending a few dozen to hundred thousand more dollars on a policy that has already been tried and failed in several parts of the country?” Senza-Cuore pointed out that “government spending is terrible, and the sign of an immoral empire in decline, except when you’re spending tax payer money making super poor people feel like crap. Then you’re doing God’s work.”
Our reporter questioned Senza-Cuore as to whether the Walker administration really believes that anyone can afford a drug habit on the small amount of money they get via social welfare programs. “Look, people who smoke the weed pot,” Senza-Cuore answered, “are already clearly okay with breaking Federal prohibition laws that totally work in keeping people off drugs, so we’re sure they’re pretty much capable of all kinds of horrible things. I mean, they’re takers for God’s sake. Now if you’ll excuse me, the governor has to get on a plane and fly to a totally different state at the expense of either the taxpayers or his presidential exploratory committee which gets its money from other people instead of the governor doing any real work for it.”
In every state that drug testing welfare recipients has been tried, more money has spend than would be saved by withholding funds from those who fail.