Area Moron Turns Off 24/7 Uranium One Coverage, Explains Why Trump Is Right: Everyone Except Fox News Is Fake

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and his hometown’s favorite moron, Jethro Bohiggins, told his audience this morning that a tweet sent by President Donald Trump earlier in the day was “brilliant and as accurate as everything else he screeches, bellows, snorts, or tweets.”

“Fam, I gotta tell you. I hear libtarded hearts breaking all over the country this morning because once again our Dear President just put the screws to ’em on Twitter,” Bohiggins said.

Mr. Bohiggins was referring to the following tweet, which Trump sent just after 9:00 AM Eastern Time. In it, Trump assails every news network except Fox News, calling them “dishonest, corrupt and/or distorted” in their “political coverage.” Trump even went so far as to call himself “your favorite President [sic] (me).”

“The president is so spot-on with that tweet it must give the libs extra butt-hurt. Of course everyone else is fake news,” Jethro said. “I mean, how much coverage of Seth Rich’s obvious murder by KILLARY CLINTSTONED did you see run on MSNBC versus Fox? How many times in the previous eight years did Fox News tell us about a scandal in the Obama administration — like when he put mustard on his damn hamburger — only to never see a single mainstream media outlet cover it? CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!”

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Jethro is aware of Trump’s abysmal Gallup approval rating, but he calls even that “fake news.”

“Are those the same exact polls that predicted HITLERY CLITSTONER would be a president with 900% chances? And even if they are completely different opinion polls, that doesn’t change what I’m saying here,” Bohiggins said emphatically. “Obviously a statistical anomaly and anti-democratic device like the Electoral College proves one thing — Donald Trump won basically unanimously among Americans whose vote actually matters — you know, Republicans and libertarians smart enough to vote Republican.”

After his rant was over, Bohiggins said he was cutting the taping of the episode short to get back to what he was doing prior to recording.

“I gotta run, Fam. Fox News is starting up their sixth straight hour of coverage on the Uranium One sale,” Bohiggins explained. “And I know this hour is where they finally prove to the world that Hillary, Ben Gozzi, Saul Alinksy’s ghost, and Barack HUSSEIN Obama were in cahoots to take down America from within, and it was only our steadfast protection of the Constitution, fueled by watching hours and hours of endless, wall-to-wall coverage of every burp, fart, or sneeze from the Obama White House that we were able to thwart their nefarious plans. Stay frosty, Fam. BOHIGGS, OUT!”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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