COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins, a local Trump supporter and right-wing podcast host, was camping out in front of the WalMart forty miles south of his double-wide at just after noon on Thanksgiving day. Bohiggins, his sister and his wife decided to have a very early meal that day, replete with turkey and sides, and then the pair hopped into Jethro’s Dodge pickup and drove forty miles south.
“I was tellin’ Mary the other day that WalMart was gonna have this big ol’ fifty-five inch TV for like a hundred and fifty bucks on Black Friday,” Bohiggins told his podcast audience this afternoon. “Of course, I wonder what would happen if we called the day It’s Okay To Be White Day, but we’ll talk more about Cultural Marxism and the pervasive influence of progress under the so-called banner of equality in the last four segments of the show.”
For twelve hours, the Bohiggins stood in front of their WalMart, and they weren’t the first to arrive.
“We saw some folks who told us they’d been there for a week,” Jethro told us. “I should’ve known that kind of thing would tend to make people desperate. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
When the doors opened just seconds after midnight, the throng of excited Tennessee natives flooded into the store, pushing Jethro and Mary forward. Bohiggins was one of dozens of people trying to get their hands on the TV “door buster” early this morning. It a maddening frenzy of activity, Jethro says he found himself putting his arms around a TV box just at the same time as another shopper, and that’s when things took a turn for the violent.
“I said to that sumabitch, ‘Hey! Get your own TV! We had it first. What are you some kinda snowflake cuck socialist,'” Jethro told his podcast audience. “Well, that surely enraged the man and he says to me I’m lucky he forgot his gun at home or he’d stand his ground over the TV and pump me full of lead. I told him he’s lucky I left my gun in my truck. Next thing you know the fists are flying.”
When Jethro regained consciousness, he was on his back on the couch in his trailer’s living room. He was devastated to find out from his sister-wife that the other man had knocked Bohiggins out and taken the last TV for himself. WalMart security was able help Mary get Jethro loaded into their truck. But as devastated as he was to find out he didn’t get the TV, when he read the following tweet from President Trump, he says he was even angrier than before.
Can you believe that the disrespect for our Country, our Flag, our Anthem continues without penalty to the players. The Commissioner has lost control of the hemorrhaging league. Players are the boss! https://t.co/udXP5MR8BC
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 24, 2017
“Fam, I’m just so sick and tired of these uppity urbans playing a boy’s game disrespecting their fellow Americans,” Jethro said. “Don’t these entitled athletes have any morals? Ethics? Scruples? It’s just so sad and obvious how none of them have any sense of shame. It’s just so disrespectful of their country, their fellow citizens, know what I mean? All I wanted to do today is go out and shit on the one pure holiday we have left in this country by making it about cheap commercialism. And those damn urbans had to go and try to make me think about stuff like police brutality and due process. RUDE.”
Jethro refuses to get health insurance until Obamacare is repealed, so there is currently no timetable for his recovery.