Recent GED recipient, former diarrhea inducing BBQ chef, and newly minted, freshman Congresswoman Lauren Boebert loves guns. She ran her campaign on a big pro-gun message and since getting to D.C. last month has raised quite a furor over capitol firearm restrictions.

“Do we live in America anymore if I can’t open carry my rifle into a building that just over a month ago was the site of a deadly terrorist attack,” Boebert recently asked Sean Hannity on a broadcast of his radio show. “Sean, I have to tell you, if the founders saw this, they’d demand I murder literally every Democrat and then give me a high five when I was done. Sure, then they’d tell me I shouldn’t be in office or vote because I have tits and vagina, but they’d be totally onboard with my defending my Second Amendment rights by assassinating people. Full stop.”

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This week, Boebert raised even more eyebrows when she appeared during a congressional hearing remotely, and behind were on a shelf were no less than three long guns. When called out on social media jokingly for using her shelves for “gun storage,” Boebert seemed to issue a bit of a veiled threat. Rep. Boebert joked that the guns weren’t in storage, they “are ready for use.”

Who says this is storage? These are ready for use. https://t.co/y9fxckjcGl

— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) February 18, 2021

This morning, Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the D.C. Medical Board made an announcement that just might shed some light on why, exactly, Boebert is so fully engulfed in gun culture.

“After running a complete and thorough analysis of the chemical compounds in a strand of Rep. Boebert’s hair,” Hornaydieux explained today, “we can prove quite conclusively that she was created in a lab, for the express purpose of bleating out bumper sticker slogans on behalf of the gun manufacturer lobby.”

Hornaydieux said that he and his team were able to determine what the “life sustaining building blocks of Bobert’s DNA” were created from, and it’s “some of the most advanced cloning technology” he’s ever seen.

“All the evidence appears to show that Ms. Boebert is a hybrid, semi-sentient life form composed of parts of Sarah Palin’s brain and Wayne LaPierre’s dick sweat,” Hornaydieux walked through his findings. “This is tremendously big news because heretofore it was presumed that nothing inside Pain’s head resembled a brain. Obviously we need to study Ms. Boebert more, but hopefully from afar. We hear she has an itchy trigger finger and not a lot of aim.”

Rep. Boebert could not be reached for comment, as she was at the gun range.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.