DESERT SPRINGS, NEVADA — Last night, former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg made his first appearance on the Democratic primary debate stage. All the other candidates seemed to be quite geared up for his debut, and one after another pummelled him with verbal assaults on his record as Manhattan’s mayor, when he was a member of the Republican Party. The billionaire media mogul’s performance was largely panned by critics on both sides of the aisle, and the President Trump utilized the constitutional powers given to him to be the Troller in Chief, and mocked Bloomberg for his performance on Twitter.

Mini Mike Bloomberg’s debate performance tonight was perhaps the worst in the history of debates, and there have been some really bad ones. He was stumbling, bumbling and grossly incompetent. If this doesn’t knock him out of the race, nothing will. Not so easy to do what I did!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 20, 2020

Experts noted this might be the first time Trump tweeted anything remotely truthful since taking office, if not in his entire life. It would seem that the overall consensus on Bloomberg’s first debate appearance was that it was abysmal. However, if Mayor Bloomberg gets his way, you might see a whole lot of people changing that narrative in comment sections all over social media. Bloomberg announced at a campaign stop this morning ahead of the Nevada Democratic caucus that he has an “offer to make” to the American people.

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“I don’t know what everyone else saw, but I think I did a great job. I think I won, actually,” Bloomberg told reporters as he prepared to give a stump speech in front of bank he said was housing some of his money, “and I’m willing to bet there are a lot of people who would say the same thing, if I give them some incentive to loosen their lips.”

Bloomberg has decided that he will pay $15,000 to any American who posts a positive review of his debate performance and insists he won, in either comments or as their own original social media posts. He will also give away a brand new Tesla car to each American who makes such a comment on social media. Bloomberg says American voters “shouldn’t worry about” him being able to afford these incentives.

“Just take my money, take the car, and tell everyone I did a great job,” Bloomberg insisted. “We all know I won last night. People I pay tons of money to put up with me said that I crushed it last night. I don’t know what all the media people saw. I don’t know what literally every other person watching the debate saw. But you all know I won. And I have fifteen grand and a Tesla for anyone brave enough to tell the truth and stick it to those elitist snobs. You know what I mean? Those total a-hole elitists, not like you and me, Joe Blow Blue Collar America!”

After he’d finished his short stump speech, Bloomberg pressed the flesh with the handful of people who were there to listen to him. Most of the people he met, however, told him that they had decided to move on and support other candidates. Even when he offered them money and a car, he was shot down. Desperate, Bloomberg even offered a woman a puppy on top of the cash and Tesla.

“Hey, hey, let me sweeten the deal,” Bloomberg said. “You want a puppy, too? I’ll give you a puppy. Hell, on top of the fifteen large, I’ll give you all the money in my wallet right now. There’s probably more than fifteen grand in my wallet. I don’t carry less than a quarter million, in case I need to pay for lunch, or buy an election, you know, totally normal American guy kinda stuff. So, how about it? A puppy, all the cash in my wallet, the fifteen thousand dollars, and the Tesla. Deal?”

The woman walked away from Bloomberg’s outstretched hand. He got a boost up into the SUV he was being escorted in, and Bloomberg and his entourage drove off. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.