HITCHCOCK, WASHINGTON — At a campaign event in Washington today, Republican front runner Donald J. Trump had an unexpected run-in with Mother Nature, and as he’d later tell the press he, “beat Mother Nature like a drum” because he’s “such a yooge damn winner.”
While describing to the crowd just how “yooge, magnifizent, and really friggin’ brilliant” his planned southern border wall would be, a small, brown, white, and orange, bird suddenly flew down and landed on the stage just feet from Trump. Ornithologists would later identify the bird as a swallow that had lost his way to Capistrano last week. The bird would never make it to Southern California.
“Where the friggin’ frig’ did this thing come from,” Trump said, pointing at it. Trump had to roll his sleeve all the way back to his shoulder so that the people in the back could actually see he was pointing, because to them it seemed he was showing off the fact that he had no right hand. Once attendees in the back could see he was pointing, they began mocking the swallow.
Chants of “Fuck that bird! Fuck that bird!” started rising from the audience. Some started screaming about how they thought the swallow was a Bernie Sanders supporter, trying to interrupt Trump’s speech. The shouts and wails reached a fever pitch, and then something almost miraculous happened.
As Trump was enjoying the shouts and cat calls coming from the rally crowd, the swallow actually jumped up onto Trump’s podium. The billionaire real estate mogul and reality-TV star looked around to everyone in the audience, throwing his tiny hands in the air, and and saying, “Well, would you look at that?” The crowd roared as Donald and the swallow looked at each other for a solid two minutes.
Then, without any warning, it happened.
“You know what? In my day,” Trump told the crowd, “we knew what to do with protesters who are being disruptive.” He removed his shoe. And bludgeoned the swallow to death, right in front of everybody.
Whack! Whack! Whack!
The crowd roared with every swing of Trump’s diminutive fist, which clenched his size four left shoe in it. Feather were flying everywhere, and within a matter of just about a minute, the swallow was dead. Trump’s security picked the bird up and flung it into the crowd, he devoured it ravenously, shouting, “Fresh kill! Fresh kill! Fresh kill!”
“Now that,” Trump said with a satisfying grin, feathers stuck all over his bloodied hands, “is how you democracy up this motherfucker! Who’s your next president gonna be?” Trump threw his underwhelming left hand over his ear and the crowd roared back his name at him. He raised his tiny right hand in the air and asked everyone else to. They pledged an oath to his campaign, and then Trump snapped his fingers and disappeared in a cloud of red smoke that smelled like sulfur and cheap hot dogs.
Services have not been planned for the swallow as of yet.