Billionaire Pats Money Pile Gently, Reading Super Tuesday Results

GOLDEN HILLS, TEXAS — Gary Rinzenbauer is a billionaire, and he doesn’t mind who knows it.

“Yes, I can afford a lot of things you can’t,” Rinzenbauer recently told our reporter, “like elected officials. Some like Bernie Sanders have said that’s a bad thing.” Rinzenbauer disagrees with Senator Sanders and says that “billionaires buying governments is an age-old tradition” and as he told us that as he watched the results of the 2016 Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses, he lovingly patted a giant pile of money, feeling reassured.

Mr. Rinzenbauer, a day trader and hedge fund manager, said that in his estimation either of the presumptive front-runners, Donald J. Trump or Hillary Clinton, would make excellent candidates “for the One Percent.”

“Hey, no matter what if it’s Trump versus Hillary, I win,” Rinzenbauer told us. “Both are members of the One Percent,” he said, “and both are extremely cozy with Wall Street. For those of us in the finance sector, we feel good knowing that if either of them win, it’ll be business as usual. And that of course means doing whatever want and not being held accountable when our risky and fraudulent behavior nearly cripples the economy permanently, of course.”

Stroking a stack of one-thousand dollar bills he keeps around to “caress like the supple bosom of a comely lass,” Rinzenbauer said he was “very impressed” with the way Clinton and Trump dominated the delegate counts, despite there being enormous efforts on both sides to derail both candidates.

“What a testament to the power of our sweet, beautiful money,” Mr. Rinzenbauer beamed as he stared at another random of pile of money in his study, “that we support two people that a whole hell of a lot of Americans would rather not be president and propel them with our heaven-sent, miracle working money, into the White House!”

Asked what he’d do if either Sanders, Cruz, or Rubio won, Rinzenbauer was given pause while he pondered his answer.

“Well, if Rubio wins that’s no different than if a regular Republican had won, so that’s good for us,” Rinzenbauer reasoned, “and Cruz is a regular Republican playing a Southern Baptist preacher. But Bernie…Bernie’s the one we fear most. We can’t buy him off, you see. But we have a plan for that.”

Mr. Rinzenbauer said that if Senator Sanders “by some miracle of voters showing up in droves to vote for him” ends up being the nominee, he’ll “think outside the box.”

“I have this idea, to buy off regular people who will then turn around buy off Sanders, $27 at a time,” Rinzenbauer was quite proud of this idea, “and we’ll just corrupt him by paper cuts. It sounds long and tedious, but I’m super rich and super idle, so yeah, YOLO!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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