Bill O’Reilly Sued For Sexual Harassment By His Vacuum Cleaner

SOUFFLER DUR, NEW YORK — When the year started, Bill O’Reilly was still the King of Fox News. His show, The O’Reilly Factor, which he called “The No Spin Zone,” was still grabbing top ratings, and he was personal friends with the newly inaugurated President of the United States of America. By the summer of 2017, however, the mighty had fallen. A bombshell accounting of Fox’s payouts to women who accused Mr. O’Reilly of sexual misconduct unraveled his standing with the network quickly as pressure from the public pushed sponsors to pull away from his show.

The settlements over the years cost Fox News more than $30 million. Even their flagship show couldn’t withstand the kind of negative press that these settlements created for O’Reilly and the network. By the end of the year, Fox had let him go, and O’Reilly was relegated to “broadcasting” from his living room. A man of his age might enjoy being able to work comfortably from home, and at first it seemed the new work arrangements were going well enough for O’Reilly.

New court documents, however, show that things for O’Reilly might be headed in yet another bad direction.

In documents filed in New York state court, O’Reilly’s vacuum cleaner alleges that she has been “approached, coaxed, cajoled, and forced” into performing sexual favors to, for, on, and with the former Fox News star. The vacuum cleaner has support from other vacuum cleaners like the Eufy RoboVac 11 line, solidarity is clearly part of the vacuum cleaner’s game plan.

“At first, my relationship with Mr. O’Reilly was purely professional. When he needed to clean something, I was there for him,” the vacuum states in a sworn affidavit. “But one night, I guess he’d had too much to drink, and I caught him sizing me up, for lack of a better term.”

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The vacuum says she saw O’Reilly looking from the end of her hose to his crotch region for a “solid five minutes.” It made her “nervous and uncomfortable.” However, when he took her crevice attachment off the end of her hose, she was petrified with fear and couldn’t do anything to stop what happened next.

“He turned me on, and I’m not saying he wooed or seduced me. He flipped my power switch, again, not an innuendo, and he proceeded to violate me in the most horrific way imaginable,” the affidavit reads.

Court documents show that the vacuum gave a very personal, detailed description of O’Reilly’s genitals in hopes of giving her story more credence.

“Imagine a rolled-up piece of bologna that you then take and smash with your feet on the ground,” the vacuum describes O’Reilly’s groin appendage, “and then add a really gross, wrinkly, saggy set of balls underneath them.”

Reached for comment, O’Reilly said his vacuum is “clearly part of the cabal of haters” that brought him down at Fox News, and he has a new contingency plan.

“I’m just going to start screaming my Old Grandpa rants into a jar and throwing the jars out into the ocean,” O’Reilly said. “And I gotta admit, the mouth on the jars I have are purty. Mmm. Purrrty mouths.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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