Bill O’Reilly: ‘I Must’ve Been Accidentally Listening to Tons of Gang-Star Rap Back Then’

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — Over the years, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly has made no bones about his disdain for rap music, particularly rap music in the “gangster” or “gangsta” sub-genres. As far back as 2003, O’Reilly appeared on his show and lambasted gangster rap, asking if it was “hurting America’s children.” O’Reilly has continually argued that there is a “culture” of violence that is promoted in rap music, and has many times pointed to it when there was a racially-charged issue in the headlines. As it turns out though, O’Reilly may have been so hyper-focused on rap music as part of the culture wars because he was listening to it all the time without knowing he was doing so.

“I must’ve been accidentally listening to tons of gang-star rap back then,” O’Reilly told reporters outside his New York City apartment. O’Reilly was answering questions related to explosive new allegations that were unearthed as part of court documents related to the messy custody battle he is in the middle of with his ex-wife. In the unsealed court documents, it is revealed that O’Reilly’s daughter told a court-appointed therapist that she had seen the keeper of the No Spin Zone “choking her mom or had his hands around her neck and dragged her down some stairs.”

Reporters had caught up with O’Reilly this morning, and started peppering him with questions about the charges. “Look, I’m not admitting to anything,” O’Reilly told reporters. “But what I am saying,” he continued, “is that clearly if I did this, it’s because I was listening to rap music. Because the only people who are violent listen to rap music. Or maybe my whole theory on this is wrong, and people who listen to Perry Como like I do are just as capable of lashing out violently, and in fact it’s just a racist dog-whistle I blow every time I bring up rap music as being part of what’s really making America bad.”

“The crazy part,” O’Reilly said to the reporters, “is that I can feel myself becoming less religious too. Remember when I told everyone that rap music was killing organized religion? It must be true, because now that I’ve been outed for allegedly assaulting my wife — which can only be explained by my listening to rap music subconsciously — I also feel less religious! I must have been right all along about how horrible rap music is. It most certainly isn’t the case that I’m just a hypocritical douche.”

Fox News didn’t respond to our requests for a comment on these new allegations, or O’Reilly’s rap music defense for his alleged actions. However Eric Bolling, who co-hosts “The Five” on the same network O’Reilly works for said, “What’s the big deal anyway? Why is this country becoming so wussified? I seem to remember being told about a time from my great-grandfather where a man could drink a quart of gin, smoke a carton of Luckies, and then choke his wife a bit without everyone freaking out. Now all of a sudden there’s a ‘war on women’ and we’re not allowed to show our love for our women-folk with aggression, violence, anger and physical assaults? I don’t remember this happening under Bush’s watch. Way to go, O-Bummer!”

“Look,” O’Reilly said as he was ducking into the limousine about to take him to the station, “I’m in no way admitting my guilt here. I’m just saying that over the years I have been very adamant about what I feel is the biggest threat to the stability of home life — rap music. I have said for years it encourages disrespect toward women. I have said for years it encourage a violent sub-culture.” O’Reilly paused. “Well, now that it’s been revealed that my daughter says she saw me being violent and tremendously disrespectful toward a woman, clearly the only thing I can blame is rap music. Sure, I never actually listened to it, even when I was criticizing it, but you gotta go with what you know. And I know how to demagogue the shit out of black culture.

See you all in the…NO SPIN ZONE!”


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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